Posts by TheHopeLine Team

Feeling anxiety is hard enough without having to talk about it. Sometimes, talking about anxiety can even make you feel more anxious! How is that fair? It’s not, but the truth is that sharing your struggles with someone you trust may be one of the best steps forward on a path toward finding freedom from your anxiety problems. But who should you talk to? Who is close to you, wants to help you, and has the power to get you the help you need? For a lot of our readers, the answer to this question is: your parents.

Whether you want to talk to your parents about your anxiety or not, sharing what you’re going through with them is usually a good idea. Though we don’t always feel this way (or believe it), our parents (usually) love us and want the best for us. Talking to them about your problem could be a source of much needed support. It may also be necessary for you to get access to certain resources. For example, if you are in high school or college, which means you may not yet be 18 years old, you may not be able to see a doctor without the consent of your parents or their insurance. If, however, you have such a poor relationship with your parents or legal guardians that you feel it would be dangerous or detrimental to your mental health to discuss the topic of anxiety with them, there are other people you can talk to. Reach out to TheHopeLine today for connection to resources that can help you.

How to Talk About Anxiety

How to Bring Up Anxiety with Your Parents

Once you’ve decided to talk to someone about your anxiety, whether it’s your parents or not, how are you going to broach the subject? It’s not exactly one of those topics you can just bring up mid-grocery shop… or maybe it is! Only you can sense how your parents are going to react when you bring up the subject of your mental health, so take a look at a few ways you could start the conversation, based on how open you think they’ll be.

• “You know how you’ve talked about your mental health before? Can I talk to you about mine? I’ve been feeling anxious a lot, more than I think is normal.”
• “We’ve never really talked about this before, but you seemed to understand when [family/friend/acquaintance] went through some struggles with her mental health… Do you think you could listen to me talk about my anxiety for a minute? It’s gotten bad enough that I need you to hear me out.”
• “I know you don’t believe in a lot of these mental health disorders. I’ve heard you say things that make me feel like I can’t talk to you about this, but I really need to have a conversation with you about anxiety. I’m not doing great, and I need your help fixing it.”

Choose a moment when you can be alone with your parents to minimize distractions and make it clear to them that this is going to be an important conversation. If they react well, you can proceed with the conversation right then and there! It’s also okay to ask them to set up a later time you can meet with them if you or they need to prepare mentally and emotionally for the subject. Once you’ve done this part, congratulations! Bringing it up is often the hardest part of these conversations, and you’ve shown bravery and self-esteem by doing this. Don’t forget to take a moment to be proud of yourself.

How to Address Your Parents Questions

Once you tell your parents you have been struggling with anxiety, it’s likely that they’re going to have some questions. That’s fair! Recognize that it’s a big deal to find out that your child is struggling, so your parents might have to process some emotions too. They might feel guilty, angry, sad, scared, etc. The important thing is to make sure you separate their emotions from yours in this moment and remember that their feelings about your anxiety are not your responsibility. If they need some time to calm down before your conversation can proceed, try saying something like this:

• “I understand this might be scary to hear, but I need your help, not your panic. Can you let me know when you’re ready to talk about this?”
• “I can’t help that this is the way I’m feeling. I’m sorry that it makes you feel ___, but the reality remains the same: I’m struggling with anxiety. Your reaction to this is one of the reasons I’ve waited so long to talk about it with you. I really need your support right now, so when you’re ready to help me, let’s talk.”
• “I’m scared too. I need my Mom/Dad right now, not more fear. Please tell me you can help me figure this out.”

When your parents are ready to talk, their questions are going to include everything from the first time you realized you might have anxiety to the most recent episode that led you to discuss the matter with them. Be as specific as you can when you describe your experience to them. If you’ve had anxiety or panic attacks, tell them, especially if they may have unknowingly witnessed one. If you know some of your triggers and stressors, talk about those too. Honesty and detail are really helpful in these discussions because the more clear a picture you can give them, the more they’ll be able to understand your predicament. If, however, their questions become aggressive, accusatory, or non-supportive, you are allowed to stop answering them. Try bringing the conversation back to a productive place by saying something like this:

• “I feel like you’re interrogating me instead of trying to help me. Can you ease up on me a bit?”
• “I know this isn’t exactly a fun topic, but the volume and tone of your voice are making this worse. I haven’t done anything wrong. In fact, I’ve come to you for help. Can you please be more kind right now?”
• “I’m getting tired, and I think we could use a break. Can we talk more about this later when we’re both more rested and rational?”

Again, congratulations. You should be very proud of yourself for having this chat with your parents. Asking for help is difficult, especially for those of us with anxiety! You’re another step closer to healing your anxious mind.

Ask Your Parents for What You Need

Remember that you decided to talk to your parents about this for a reason: to get more help than you had before. After you’ve addressed the problems, ask your parents to help you find a solution. If you know what you want, tell them very clearly what that is, whether that be therapy, medication, a change in schools, etc. Explain why you think these changes will help you, and ask them if they have new ideas to offer. Keep in mind that there’s no magical cure for anxiety, so your parents aren’t going to be able to snap their fingers and rid your mind of anxious thoughts right away. This is going to take time and patience.

If you’re not sure how to ask your parents for what you need, try phrasing it in one of the following ways:

• “I’ve been doing a lot of research on my own, and I think a proper diagnosis is the first step to figuring this out. Can we make an appointment to see my doctor?”
• “A lot of the factors that cause my anxiety are coming from [school/work/family] stress. Can we make a change there, and see if that helps? What would it take to change schools/my job/our family dynamics?”
• “I’ve done lots of reading about this, and I think if you looked at the research, you’d understand what I need. Can you please look at these verified resources before you give me an answer about solutions to my problem?”

If you and your parents aren’t sure where to look for solutions to your anxiety struggles, counseling is always a good start. You can look at our list of partner organizations or search for a family counselor through Focus on the Family to find a good fit.

Embrace a Hopeful Outlook

It’s normal to feel a little stuck when you’ve been battling anxiety. You may be exhausted from the daily struggle, but we promise, you aren’t trapped. There are so many tools available to help you combat this monster in your brain, and we can help you find them! Start with The Rooted Fruit’s tips for controlling anxiety and talk to your parents about helping you find a counselor or doctor to work with you. With these resources, you have every reason to believe that you can learn to manage your anxiety, and for those moments when it’s just too overwhelming to believe in a better future, look to these promises from God. He does not intend for you to live under the constant burden of anxious thoughts. You CAN be free of them! If you’re struggling to see that hope, or if you’re not sure your parents will be supportive when you talk to them, reach out to us at TheHopeLine today. We’d love to help you practice this conversation or help you find other resources as you bravely combat your anxiety symptoms.

If you struggle with anxiety, you may have experienced a panic attack. Here are 25 grounding techniques that have proven as an effective way to cope with a panic attack.

 

It’s that time of year again when we begin wrapping up and reflecting on our biggest accomplishments of the year. In those moments of reflection, some of us may tend to find flaws in ourselves and begin to create lofty goals that are difficult to reach in the new year. While the new year is a fresh start full of opportunities, there is often immense pressure to achieve better versions of ourselves.

How Do New Year’s Resolutions Affect Mental Health?

Unfortunately, there is an unspoken rule that resolutions should be all or nothing extremities. Our competitive culture has instilled in us this idea of punishing ourselves if we don’t succeed at something, and ultimately, we can end up hurting ourselves more. This pressure to perform well and achieve these unreasonable goals might lead us to fail more than it does to help us succeed. Studies have shown that only eight percent of people who make a New Year’s resolution will follow through all year, and 80 percent of people quit by February. Some reasons that lead people to fail at keeping their goals moving forward include existing extremities (all or nothing behavior), having little or no accountability, or setting goals that are not measurable.

The issue with these types of goals is that they can lead to some degree of self-sabotage before you realize it. The idea is that we shoot for the stars, but life doesn’t always work that way. If you don’t ease your way into your goals, you might find yourself failing more. When we fail, it might impact our mental health in negative ways and can perpetuate a cycle of slipping back into old habits.

Creating Healthy New Year's Resolutions 

You can create healthy resolutions by following these steps:

• Be reasonable. Expect yourself to fail at times, and know that results might be slow-moving. Understand that life happens and things can get in the way of your goals, so try to ensure your goals are healthy and can be achieved without harming your physical or mental health.
• Create a timeline. Try to avoid being rigid in your timeline, and understand that your timeline should not be compared to anyone else’s. It will be more proactive and productive to make small, incremental goals instead of extreme expectations.
• Monitor progress. Understand that nothing changes overnight, so it might be helpful to find an accountability partner to help you monitor progress. Keep a journal to acknowledge your feelings regarding your progress, and document your feelings about your goals and what obstacles you face.
• Allow flexibility. Offer yourself flexibility and give yourself grace. If you don’t do well this month, try again next month! Instead of trying to set goals that might not benefit your mental health, find activities that make you happy instead.

The new year does not have to be a brand new you. Take the time to do something fun and adventurous, and prioritize your health over punishing yourself. If you find yourself struggling in giving yourself grace and putting pressure on yourself, it may be time to reach out to a mental health professional. They can provide more tools on ways to set goals and how to create healthy boundaries with yourself.

You don't have to go through this alone. To talk about what is going on, chat online with a Hope Coach at TheHopeLine.com. 

Martha Bowman is the Manager of Adult and Family Services at Centerstone, a not-for-profit health system specializing in mental health and substance use disorders. This blog was originally posted here.

If you are looking for a way to destress the new year transition, take a look at these ideas to find clarity and rest as you move into the new year.

Pornography is a hotly debated subject in today’s society. There are folks with loud opinions on both sides of that argument, from those who say you ought to be free to explore your sexuality in whatever way pleases you to those who feel that watching five minutes of porn will land you an eternity in fiery pits of hell. So… what are you supposed to think? Let’s start with the fact that you clicked on this article, which means you have either watched or are considering consuming pornography and are feeling unsure about whether it’s the right decision. There are a lot of good reasons for you to be careful of pornography, as research shows that it’s highly addictive as well as linked to feelings of loneliness and depression, not to mention the damage it can cause within your relationships. Let’s take a look at a few reasons to rethink consuming pornography.

How Does Porn Impact Your Mental Health

The Link Between Porn and Your Mental Health

All other factors aside, the biggest problem with using pornography is the same problem with any other addictive behavior or substance: at its core, it’s an escape from reality. The reality may be that you’re bored, you’re lonely, you’re unhappy with your partner, or you’re simply after the boost of dopamine that watching something graphic can give you. Regardless, it’s never healthy to repeatedly escape your circumstances rather than confront them head-on. Running to that escape over and over will undoubtedly take a toll on your mental health.

Experts have noted that many people with porn addictions have likely returned to pornography so often because they already battled with depression, whether they knew it or not. Because of the dopamine and serotonin your body produces when it’s aroused, consuming pornography may become a form of self-medication. Unfortunately, as with drug addiction, your brain also becomes desensitized to pornography over time, forcing the user to watch more often and longer in order to achieve the same feeling of comfort as before. This leads to the consumer dedicating more and more of their time to pornography, isolating themselves from friends in family, taking risks in order to watch it in public or at work, losing interest or attraction toward their actual romantic partners, and thinking constantly about their next “fix” or opportunity to consume pornography. The person addicted to pornography essentially becomes more and more isolated, and isolation is incredibly detrimental to our mental state and to our relationships because it creates emotional distance when the exact opposite, emotional intimacy, is often a core need for the user in the first place.

Other Potentially Harmful Factors of Pornography Use

Most porn is a reenactment of someone’s sexual fantasies, and while a certain amount of sexual curiosity is healthy and normal for the average adult, not all sexual fantasies are harmless. Do your research on the link between human trafficking and the underground pornography scene, and ask yourself if the content you’ve consumed may have been filmed nonconsensually. Sadly, there is so much money to be made in the pornography industry that there are those who force kidnapped or underprivileged subjects to perform for the camera whether they want to or not, and you should be extremely mindful of the possibility that while you’re viewing a “scene,” the person holding the camera is threatening the life of the actor.

Even perfectly legal porn sites will offer different genres of pornography, many of them violent or purposefully pretending that one or more of the actors is underaged. Whether the performers are consenting adults or not, it’s also harmful to your brain to become desensitized to sexual violence and the idea of sexual attraction to a minor. There have absolutely been reported cases of sexual assault of a child due to the assailant’s consumption of porn that fetishizes children. Again, you need to ask yourself, why in the world do you need to watch something that sexualizes children and/or violent behavior? You run the risk of becoming desensitized to that in the future, which is ultimately a mental health issue, because it decreases your capacity for empathy and connection.

Spiritual Perspective

The Bible also warns about feeding your mind what’s healthy for you and your relationships, saying that “food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food” because even if something is lawful, it’s not necessarily good for you. Along those lines, pornography is often both legal and readily available, but that doesn’t mean it’s the healthiest choice for your brain or for your relationships. Jesus himself remarks a person looking at someone lustfully has “committed adultery in his heart,” which aligns with what other research warns about pornography use causing emotional distance between you and your partner. 

The Bible is also clear, however, that we have help when it comes to temptation and will never be faced with more than we can handle. And for those who do continue to struggle, there is forgiveness and redemption through God’s grace. Don’t be discouraged if your struggle with pornography addiction is ongoing, and reach out to someone at TheHopeLine if you want to talk more about how to stop and what God’s forgiveness looks like.

Replace the Habit With a Healthy One

Now that you know the risks involved in consuming pornography, the question becomes, what do you do with these feelings and urges? First, don’t despair! You are not alone in the desire for physical and emotional intimacy, nor is it abnormal to be curious about sex. You are NOT a bad person. Instead of feeling ashamed of yourself, go to a counselor, either at school or with the help of your parents, and talk to them about what drove you to pornography in the first place. Talking to someone, rather than keeping this struggle a secret, can make the whole issue feel less overwhelming.

Even if you talk to someone, you’ll probably still get the urge to return to porn. One article on PsychologyToday refers to a reliance on pornography as a “maladaptive coping strategy,” which means that it has become a crutch for the user to lean on rather than healthily dealing with feelings of emotional distress. In addition to seeking accountability, counseling, and support, it may also be helpful for you to choose a healthy habit or two that you could turn to when you inevitably feel the urge to consume pornography. Here are a few ideas of behaviors you can replace a pornography habit with:

• Exercise or play a sport. Not only would this be a good distraction, but it’s also good for your mental health. An increase in endorphins helps fight depression, and the social aspect of most sports can help you feel less lonely and isolated.
• Start a “side hustle.” Do you have a hobby or a subject in school you’re really good at? Make a website, an Etsy shop, or put up fliers. Sell your products or offer tutoring services. It’ll take up a lot of your time, you’ll meet new people, and you might even make a little spending money while you’re at it.
• Volunteer at a local shelter or investigate organizations that help to fight human trafficking. Give back to the community, and devote the time you used to spend online to help people who are struggling to get by.

Build an arsenal of defensive maneuvers so that whenever you hear that old familiar voice calling you to put your computer on “Incognito Mode,” you have a friend you can call, a support group you can trust, and another activity you can choose to do instead.

Go Easy on Yourself

You are human, and to be human is to have imperfections. Whether your vice is drug addiction, pornography addiction, binge eating, or caring too much about what people think of you, you are worthy of love. At TheHopeLine, you can talk with someone who will treat you with love and kindness, regardless of what questions you have to ask, so reach out to us today if you’re still struggling with your thoughts on pornography and mental health.

People can wind up trapped in porn through many different ways. Here are 6 lies pornography tells us. 

How to Grieve Over the Holidays

First Holiday Without Mom or Dad

Losing a parent is never easy, but the first Christmas after the death of someone you love is a special kind of difficult. During a time when jingling bells and twinkling lights are supposed to make you smile, you can’t help but be constantly reminded of who’s missing and the pain of that loss. Gift giving, carol singing, cookie baking… every tradition feels tainted by this tragedy, seemingly forever. Will you ever be able to enjoy the holidays again? Maybe you feel guilty for even wanting to feel that joy.

While there’s no rulebook when it comes to processing grief during the holidays, we do have some recommendations on how to survive this season. 

Acknowledge the Loss

First and foremost, it’s okay that you’re struggling. We’re often tempted to dismiss or suppress negative emotions during this time because of the expectations that this is a happy time, especially if you’re trying to be “strong” for other grieving family members. Let that pressure go! Don’t ignore your grief. Feel all your feelings, whatever they might be. You’re allowed to be sad, angry, anxious, annoyed… all at once! You never have to pretend otherwise. You’ve been through something tragic, and disregarding that is not fair to you. Whenever you need to acknowledge that your parent is gone. Say it out loud. You won’t ruin Christmas by doing so. It’s the truth, and it’s also the truth that the holidays are happening with or without the people who’ve passed away. Only by accepting the situation, not by denying or avoiding it, can you process and heal.

Listen to our live call with Jamie who is depressed and grieving her mom and grandma who have passed away. Her grief weighs heavily on her during the holidays.

Take It Easy

Don’t overdo it this year. It’s okay not to go to every party or to leave early from the ones you do attend. It’s okay to tell friends and family you’re not able to do certain traditions, trips, or activities. Grief takes a toll on our minds and bodies, so you might feel extra tired, irritable, weepy, etc. You don’t have to make a million cookies. You don’t have to get a picture with Santa. You don’t have to watch every Christmas movie. Instead of a massive group outing to the drive-through light festival, perhaps this year you can just go on a walk with your dog to check out your neighborhood’s decorations. Instead of laboring away on individualized DIY gifts for everyone, maybe this is the year it’s okay to just give folks Starbucks gift cards. Make things easier for yourself so that you have the time and space to rest, recover, and reflect on what you’ve lost and what the holidays look like without your parent.

Surround Yourself With Support

This is the time to cling to your community. Spend as much time as you can with family and friends who are also feeling the loss of your parent, so that they will understand when you need to express your grief. Your siblings, your parent’s spouse, your extended family, and your closest friends should all comprehend that this holiday is a difficult one, and together you can hold space for one another’s feelings without judgment. You’ll have shoulders to cry on when you need one, but don’t be afraid to enjoy each other’s company too. There’s plenty of room in the human heart for both grief and joy, so if surrounding yourself with loved ones happens to bring a smile to your face, let it happen. You’re not betraying the pain you’re in by having a moment of happiness too.

If you aren’t getting the support you need from the people in your life, or if the death of your parent left you alone for the holidays, reach out to a support group or church in your neighborhood. You don’t have to experience this difficult time all by yourself! There are always kind people nearby who are willing to give of their time and other resources for those who are in pain. If you aren’t ready to venture out into your community, or if you aren’t sure where to start, check out TheHopeLine, where you can always chat with someone who’ll treat you with compassion and respect.

Make the Holiday Your Own

It’s tough to know how to cope with Christmas after a death… it’s a holiday filled with traditions, but how can we be expected to participate or enjoy those traditions without someone who helped create them? Losing a parent can make every Christmas ritual we love feel ruined. So what if you tried changing things up, making new traditions, or tweaking the ones you already have in order to acknowledge what’s different this year? Check out these ways to honor your parent’s absence and make festivities your own:

• Include your parent in the important events. If it feels strange to decorate the house without them, choose a new decoration that represents them. It could be an ornament with their photo on it, or it could be a candle on the mantle. Whatever it is, let it be a reminder of their presence in your heart so that you know you’re free to celebrate the season having honored them.
• Take a moment at a family gathering to acknowledge your loss. Propose a toast, say a prayer, or tell a story about your parent. Dedicating a few minutes to talking about what’s different this Christmas can give everyone the opportunity to feel their grief before diving into the festivities, and it may help you feel better about enjoying yourself too.
• Acknowledge their favorite tradition. Whether your parent had a favorite Christmas cookie cutter or always made a big deal about going to a certain restaurant every year, pick something that used to be traditional and reminds you of them. Now, to acknowledge this tradition, you can either retire it, like they do with famous jersey numbers in some sports, or you can nominate someone to carry on the legacy of it. This might look like displaying their favorite holiday mug as a decoration, rather than letting folks drink out of it anymore. Or it could look like nominating your little brother to be in charge of organizing your dad’s favorite gift exchange party in future years. The point is to take something that reminds you of your parent and change the way it’s done, making it new or immortalizing it for the family.
• Give back to the community in some way. Does your family have a charitable cause that’s close to your hearts? Or did the parent you lost feel strongly about any organizations? You and your family could start a new tradition of volunteering at a local shelter each year in honor of your lost loved one, or you could agree to donate the funds you would have spent on gifts for your parent. This creates a new tradition and establishes a legacy of kindness and giving in their honor.
• Do something completely out of the ordinary. While honoring the person you’ve lost is all well and good, sometimes the pain of a loss is too great or too recent to imagine doing anything remotely Christmas-y. If you’re in that headspace, it’s time to think outside of the box. Go on a trip! Have a marathon of your favorite movies! Head to an amusement park and ride roller coasters! Pick something that you’d never imagined doing on Christmas Day and do that instead of the traditional activities. Maybe next year you’ll be able to fathom returning to some of your holiday favorites, but if you need a year off to process your grief, that’s okay too.

Love, Joy, Peace

You’ve lost someone important to you, and we could not be more sorry for the pain that you’re going through. We listen to people process difficult feelings every day of the year, but we know that the holidays make it even more difficult. In this dark time, it’s important for us to remember why we celebrate Christmas in the first place, and no, it’s not to rub your pain in your face at this vulnerable time. As hard as it may be to see it right now, this time of year is about hope and celebrating the promise of joy and peace that Christ’s birth represents for mankind. If hope is the last thing on your mind right now, we get it, and we don’t think you should have to feel that way alone. Reach out to TheHopeLine today, and we’ll sit with you in your grief this Christmas season.

How to Grieve a Parent's Suicide

If you’ve lost a parent to suicide, we are so sorry. Your pain is unimaginable, and though we won’t claim to fully understand what you’re going through, we do want you to know that you’re not alone. We’re here for you and ready to listen without judgment no matter what stage of grief you’re in. You can reach out to a Hope Coach right now, or you can just read this article. We hope it helps you to process what you’re going through

Your Feels Are Valid

Whatever you’re feeling in the wake of your parent’s suicide, it’s perfectly normal. This is such a traumatic event that your emotions have been thrown off balance, and you might move from feeling seven things at once to nothing at all in the span of five minutes. As much as possible, try to give yourself the space to have these feelings. Ignoring or denying them won’t change what’s happened or make the feelings go away. You’ll have to process this eventually, and the sooner you do, the sooner you can start the grieving process.

Feelings that are common among suicide loss survivors are:

Despair. You’ve lost someone close to you. Not only that, but they were in such a bad mental state that they took their own life. Deep sadness is a reasonable reaction to both the loss and the way the loss occurred. Let yourself cry, sob, wail, and lament.

Anger. You might blame someone for this death. Yourself, your parent’s partner, or even your own parent for taking their own life. Maybe you’re even angry with God letting this happen. It’s normal to feel angry when something happens that you don’t understand. Find a healthy way to express your anger, rather than shoving it down. Go for an intense run, write letters in a journal to whomever you’re angry with, or make mashed potatoes… mashing potatoes by hand is a pretty good way to get out anger. 

Guilt. You may feel responsible for your parent’s death, and that’s a heavy burden to bear. Acknowledge this feeling, but make sure to remind yourself that you did not physically take your parent’s life. You are not responsible for their death, even if you do wish you’d visited, called, or been kinder to them. At the end of the day, this was their decision and their decision alone. It is NOT your fault.

Shame. You may not want anyone to know what’s happened because of the stigma attached to suicide, or you may think you’re a “bad child” to have “allowed” this to happen. Again, allow yourself to feel the feeling, but remember that your parent’s actions are no reflection on who you are.

Confusion. You may not fully comprehend what’s happened. One minute your parent was a phone call or text message away and the next… how is that even possible? Why would they do such a thing? Do a little reading about suicide. It may help you understand what, why, and how this has happened.

Rejection. You may feel that your parent abandoned you. That they decided you weren’t worth sticking around for. It’s important to remember that your parent’s decision had nothing to do with you and everything to do with their mental state.

Fear. You may worry that your mental health will become like theirs, or that you’re destined to commit suicide someday too. Research may be helpful in this area too. There’s no reason that you can’t go on to live a full, healthy life after this.

Denial. You may not be able to accept what’s happened. Maybe you suspect foul play or you think your parent only ran away. Ask the questions you need to ask, but ultimately, you have to accept this loss before you can begin to move on.

Anxiety. You may be flooded with so many feelings at once that you can’t sit still or sleep. This is completely normal. If it goes on for more than a few days, talk to a professional about getting some help with the symptoms.

Relief. If your parent was suffering or if your relationship with them was rocky, you may be silently glad that it’s finally over. You may feel guilty as soon as you have that feeling of relief, but again, this is normal. You’re not the first child to have a complicated relationship with a parent, and it doesn’t make you a bad person if you’ve felt a bit relieved.

Shock. Maybe you were blindsided. Perhaps you never saw this coming because you never imagined your parent could do this. Breathe. Shock is also normal. Give yourself time.

Loneliness. You miss your parent. Or you feel isolated because nobody could possibly understand what you’re going through. Lean on your other family members right now or find a support group for others who’ve lost loved ones to suicide. There are people out there who understand what you’re going through, and isolation is not a good idea for you at a time like this.

Allow yourself to feel these feelings and any others that may pop up in this troubling time.

Take Care of Your Mental Health

When you experience something traumatic, it’s normal for our mental health to take a turn for the worse. Survivors of a suicide loss commonly experience symptoms of conditions like depression, anxiety, and PTSD, all of which make the grieving process even more difficult. Don’t force yourself to go through this alone. Find a professional counselor or therapist or a support group to help you carry the burden of all these feelings. In the wake of any death, especially one this traumatic, you may be tempted to put on a brave face and “be strong,” especially if you have siblings or other family members who are struggling, but there’s nothing strong about ignoring your own feelings. Remember: your parent’s decline in mental health resulted in their death, so there’s no better time than now to start making yours a top priority.

Begin the Grieving Process

Grief is grief. It follows any loss, and it takes time for anyone to heal from a loss as big as this one. Some of this grief will be immediate: crying a lot, needing to cancel plans to be with family, feeling unable to go to work or school, losing your appetite, sleeping more or less than usual. As time passes and the world around you returns to “normal,” you’ll be faced with carrying your grief with you as you go back to the activities you used to do. Take it slow and lean on your support system. Nobody expects your feelings to go away after a certain amount of time. There’s no deadline for “getting over” the suicide of a parent. 

Let yourself have some fun, too. Try doing something you’ll enjoy each and every day, just to keep that emotion in good working condition. Remember that it’s no crime to feel joy, even after a loss like this. Your grief and your joy can coexist, even if your grief is taking up a bit more room in your heart for now. Eventually, maybe months or years from now, you’ll realize that your grief needs less and less room, takes up less and less time. But for now, it’s absolutely okay to be in full grief mode. Remember to reach out to TheHopeLine if you need someone to listen to you or simply sit with you in your grief. We also partner with GriefShare, and they can get you connected to a support group near you. You’re not alone in this.

The traumatic experience of losing a loved one to suicide is very different than losing a loved one another way. Here are 6 emotions survivors of suicide loss face. 

In the words of the one and only Carly Rae Jepsen’s unforgettable tune, “It’s not Christmas until somebody cries.” Even though that particular song will probably put a smile on your face, there are countless other sad Christmas songs to balance out the excess of peppy holiday tunes that bombard us at this time of year. Why is that? Well… despite what we’re told by almost every single media source, Christmas is not “the most wonderful time of the year” for everyone. In fact, the holiday blues are a pretty common phenomenon, so if you’re feeling less than cheerful, you’re not alone.

What to Know About Depression and the Holidays

Why Are the Holidays Hard for People?

Holiday depression isn’t officially recognized as its own condition, but many qualified therapists and researchers have observed an uptick in depression, anxiety, and suicide rates at this time of year. There are a number of factors that could contribute to that trend, from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) to the financial strain of the holidays. If you aren't feeling very merry this year but aren’t sure why, check out these reasons you could be having a blue Christmas.

Reasons for Holiday Depression

1. The weather. When the sun goes down before 5 pm and the temperature drops, it’s no surprise that you might be struggling with energy and motivation. Both the dark and the cold present major challenges to any activity other than snuggling in bed, making it tempting to avoid festivities and responsibilities. If you consistently feel a major shift in your mental health around this time of year, you may want to talk to your doctor about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which is a very real condition related to the changes in seasons.

2. Food and exercise. Starting with Halloween candy and ending with Valentine’s Day chocolates, society spends most of fall and winter selling us on the idea that junk food “doesn’t count” during the holidays. While you should certainly allow yourself to enjoy some treats, be careful to incorporate fruits, veggies, and proteins as well. Nutrition can have a significant impact on our mental health, as can exercise. When it’s cold, or when we’ve been eating cookies, cake, and mashed potatoes, we might not feel like staying on top of our exercise routines, but a shift in activity can also bring your energy levels down.

3. Family. A lot of us are around our families more frequently at this time of year, and that’s a wonderful thing for some. However, you wouldn't be the first person to admit that they get stressed out during family gatherings. That one toxic uncle who always brings up politics or the second cousin who tries to recruit you into her multi-level marketing scheme might mean that you constantly have your guard up when you go to grandmas for the family gift exchange. Pay attention to your stress levels and body tension when you’re around family--that could be one source of your holiday blues.

4. Overscheduling. Finals, gift shopping, getting a picture with Santa, going to the neighborhood light show, working holiday rush shifts, rehearsing for the church Christmas concert, traveling for Thanksgiving, staying up until midnight on New Year’s Eve, and dressing up for every event… This is not a restful season. Feelings of depression around this time of year can often come from the sheer exhaustion and overwhelm of having too much to do.

5. Financial strain. Giving gifts, traveling, and participating in all the potlucks can get pricey, and for those of us who were already living paycheck to paycheck before the holidays, the extra expenses can feel like a crushing weight on our shoulders. Money is one of the leading stressors for many people, and that only gets worse this time of year.

6. Expectations. From songs and movies to TV ads, we are told in a million ways that we are supposed to be happy at this time of year. Houses should be decorated, food should be decadent and delicious, parties should be glittery and cozy, people should be generous and kind, and you should be the merriest one of them all. That’s a lot of pressure, and those messages make it particularly difficult to admit that maybe you’re feeling sad, tired, or overwhelmed. Christmastime is supposed to look a certain way, according to the media, and failure to meet those expectations, or fear of failure, can be very hard on your mental health.

7. Loneliness. Whether you’re surrounded by friends and family or spending the holiday with only your cat for company, it’s a common time of year to feel alone. Human connection is an important part of mental health, and without its depression and anxiety are no surprise. It’s also the time of year when we very keenly feel the absence of certain people from our festivities, whether it’s your first holiday after a breakup or the tenth year you’ve had to celebrate without a grandparent who’s passed away. 

Self-care During the Holidays

What should you do if you’re feeling down during the holidays this year? Practice self-care! Maybe you’re tired of hearing about self-care and how much you need it, but it truly is the first step to improving your mental health. If you can’t help but think of bubble baths and bon-bons every time you hear the “self-care” term bandied about, we get it. Those things CAN be a part of someone’s self-care practice, but it doesn’t have to be as fancy as that.

Break down what your basic needs are: food, water, shelter, sleep, stability, human connection, etc. Are any of those going unfulfilled right now? Take steps to improve in those areas. That could mean a trip to the grocery store instead of ordering takeout again. It could look like declining an invitation to one or two of the seven parties you’ve been invited to, or it could mean accepting one instead of staying home in your sweatpants. It looks different for everyone, and only you can assess where your life has become overwhelming or burdensome.

Don’t Disconnect

Most importantly, don’t isolate yourself! As tempting as it can be to keep your feelings to yourself, especially if you’re afraid of putting a damper on anyone’s holiday cheer, isolation can make depression and anxiety worse. Talk to a trusted friend or family member about how you’re feeling. You might be surprised by how much it can help to share and by how much most of us relate to a case of holiday depression. If you’re worried about talking to someone you know, don’t hesitate to reach out to TheHopeLine. You’ll be paired with someone who wants to talk to you, sees your worth, and might be able to help you reconnect with the “tidings of great joy” that this time of year represents.

After all, once you get past all that we’ve done as a society to make the Christmas season stressful, at its core, Christmas is about hope and the promise of a future full of grace and mercy through Christ. Just as there are plenty of sad holiday songs, there are also many that proclaim, “joy to the world” and describe that “thrill of hope [as] a weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!” Christ’s birth represents a future with no more tears, and as you take the brave steps to care for yourself while you’re feeling world-weary, you can rest in the knowledge that His love is yours for the taking and that a new, glorious morning is coming. We know depression can make reaching out for help, much less feeling hope, seem like a monumental task, but you’re not alone in this. 

Situational depression is something many people struggle with. Click here for some of the signs and symptoms of situational depression. 

How to Know the Status of My Faith

Can a Saved Person Become Unsaved?

Have you ever been worried that you’ve failed God? Or worried that even though you accepted Christ as your savior, you aren’t saved anymore?

In this episode, we’re talking with Dylan. He’s trying to figure out salvation…if he’s still saved or if he can lose his salvation. He says he’s not been getting answers that make sense to him. We’re going to try to help him out in this podcast, as we turn to our peer-to-peer callers for advice. Let’s first go to Dylan and let him explain what his struggle is with salvation and then we will go right into feedback for Dylan from people who care.

What Does it Mean to Give Your Life to Jesus?

Dylan shares, “I’ve believed in Jesus since I was little, just because that’s how my parents were. And that’s what I grew up listening to, but I didn’t really understand what following the Lord meant, like really giving your life to Jesus. I did that about 2 years ago. In between then and now, I’ve gone through a whole bunch of stuff. And now, I’m at the tail end of a huge trial. I’ve been thinking of all these questions that deal with salvation.

God has all these parables about people who seem like they are believers who get thrown into hell, like the branch that doesn’t remind, the wicked servant. And I have questions like, how can someone be saved and then unsaved if we are saved by grace through faith?”

People Worry About Failing God

Dawson responds to Dylan, “People think they’ve lost their salvation. They worry about failing God. They worry that they’ve hurt God in so many ways. They don’t feel close to Him. And I say, yes you are. If you weren’t the full meal deal you wouldn’t be worried about it. The fact that you are concerned about this and worried about this, is a really good sign that you’re in the faith, or you wouldn’t care. Make sense? You’d say who cares about the saved and the unsaved, I’ll party until I drop. What is this worry about whether I have peace with God or whether I’m saved? Come on, it’s time to play. I’ll worry about that when I’m old. But you’re not doing that.

You may have some issues in your life that need to be dealt with, that may be causing you to question whether or not you’re saved. I see you already in the kingdom. You’re just struggling over some of this because you’re not sure. Some other stuff is happening in your life that’s clouded your life.

We’re going to go to our peer-to-peer friends now and they’re going to give you advice.”

Peer to Peer Advice for Dylan: 

We’re asking for those to give advice that has been in that place of questioning their faith. What helped you through it? What scriptures gave you clarity?

We heard from Nicole, Arianna, Tom, Damien and Jessica. Stick around because their wise counsel is right on!

When You Drift, God Pulls You Back – Nicole

I honestly only have personal experience to offer him. I just firmly believe that once you make that mental, spiritual, confession to God that you need Him and that you accept Him in your life. I think that initial confession opens a door to a relationship that can never end.

I grew up in a Christian home too, and I stayed away from my relationship with God. It’s like any relationship, you stray away from it, and then somehow life happens, then the Holy Spirit convicts me, and I come to God and come back running. It wouldn’t be called saved if you were saved from something good. You’ve been saved from something bad…from sin.

You’ve drifted from time to time, but there’s always God there to pull you back?

Yes, I don’t know how old Dylan is, but I’m in my mid-twenties so, I’m still learning. This particular year has been incredibly eye-opening for me, because I’ve learned what the word, surrender, means. I’ve learned what full dependency on God is. That really is where I realized I’m saved is when I’m fully dependent on God every single day. It’s an everyday decision to be fully dependent on Him.

You hear Christians say, “Oh, God will never give you more than you can handle.” But that’s nowhere in the Bible. God may actually give you more than you can handle, because he wants you to depend on Him to get you through whatever’s happening.

Ups and Downs Are Part of a Relationship with God – Arianna

I’ve had a lot of personal experience feeling God wasn’t there for me. At the end of the day, I tried to make other things my foundation. And God was the only thing that ever truly came through. With Dylan, I think that questioning your faith and constantly trying to learn more about it is the best sign. It makes God so happy that you’re trying to figure it rather out than just blindly following what you’re told

The Bible says, “work out your salvation with fear and trembling.” (Philippians 2:12) It’s not just some flip thing. It’s far more than what you feel.

It’s a journey. Your faith is a lifelong journey. It’s not something you find out one time, and then it’s going to be hunky-dory for the rest of your life. The people in the Bible were ones that struggled their whole lives. Grand things happened way later in their life to make them find out how grand God is.

If you’re constantly trying to have a relationship with him, then it’s going to be ups and downs, it’s going to have connection and disconnection – that’s all part of a healthy relationship. Dylan seeking that, encourages me a lot. It’s showing he’s striving for a tighter relationship with God. If he opens his heart to the possibility that God can take over his life in whatever means He sees fit. Then he will see a lot of changes that will happen in his life that wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t said, “Take me Lord and put you where you need me.”

I Learned to Trust in God Alone - Tom

This is actually something I struggled with for a couple of years. I thought, am I saved, am I not saved? Did I do something wrong that could potentially affect me and affect my salvation?

God’s word says, “I write these things so that you may know you have eternal life.” (1 John 5:13) What God is saying is if you’re trusting in the blood of Christ, He will give you salvation. Because God came here and did it all. If you’re trusting in your works and what you’re doing. Thinking, I’ve got to do some good stuff. I have to go out there and make sure I’m doing this, this, and this, and if I don’t do it then I don’t know…am I going to be saved or not?

If you’re trusting in your works, you’re going to be judged by your works. If you trust in Christ, that’s all you need. Just trust in Him and walk. And He will convict you throughout your life to do what is necessary for His kingdom and He will sanctify you over time. All you have to do is trust in Him alone, and He convicts you throughout your life to do what’s right, and when you’re not doing what’s right, He’s going to convict you to change.

It's not a contract – it’s not if you do this, I’m going to do this for you. If you don’t do this, then I’m not going to do this. It’s a covenant, which says, if you do this, I’m going to do this for you. If you don’t do this, I’m STILL going to do this for you. That’s what the good news of the gospel is.

Your Salvation Has Been Sealed with God - Damien

The apostle Paul said, “When I wanted to do good, evil was always present.” (Romans 7:21) Your salvation has been sealed with God. You’re going to have challenges in life. There are going to be things that try to come and get you off course, but you have to stay the course.

There are things that happened in my life, in my earlier years, going out partying, drinking. When you no longer have the desire to pursue after those things, then you know that your salvation is in God.

When you see your affections turning towards what God has, rather than what the world has to offer then you know you’re going in the right direction.

I Started Reading My Bible from Beginning to End – Jessica

I’ve been through a whole lot in my life. I was told at one point that I wasn’t going to go to the kingdom of heaven, because I lost my belief and steered away. This came from family, and I felt really down and out about what was going to happen to me, and where my life was going to go.

I just put my faith in God and knew that God can do anything in my life if I just put my trust in Him. I started to take it day by day, one day at a time. I started reading my Bible from the beginning to the end. Every single day, I woke up with a positive attitude and just tried to make it through those days. If you’ve already given your life over to God, you know you have, and you can hear God talking to you sometimes. And He will never give up on His children for anything.

If You’ve Accepted Christ as Your Savior, Then You Are Saved!

There’s probably no more important topic than the one of salvation and one’s faith. Dylan, you received some amazing counsel from our peer to peers: Nicole, Arianna, Tom, Damien, Jessica…thank you all so much! What life-giving words you all gave!
And this brings up a good point, if you are struggling with something, especially in the faith…reach out for help. Don’t struggle alone. Reach out to God, but also reach out to other believers. We are supposed to encourage each other in the faith. As it says in Hebrews 10:24 and 25: “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works…and encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.”

It’s why we have chat available for you to talk about what’s going on and get encouraged. Chat with us at: TheHopeLine.com/chat-live.

Nicole, I love what you said! Your initial confession to God that you need Him and accept Him as your Lord and Savior, opens a door to a relationship with God that can never end.

Arianna, you were right on when you said…if you open your heart to God and surrender then God will take over your life. What that means is not your will, but God’s will be done in your life.

There’s no better place to be than in God’s will. Which some people might say, that’s scary, if I submit totally to God’s will, I’m worried God will send me into the jungle to be a missionary or ask me to give up my relationship. If you surrender to God’s will, and He asks you to give up something then it’s for your good. If He’s asking you to give up a relationship, it’s not because the relationship is amazing and is going to make you happy for the rest of your life…it’s because it’s not right at this moment for you.
God never withholds anything good from His Children. In Psalm 84:11b, scripture says, “The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.”

Tom shared with Dylan, scripture from 1 John 5:11, “God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son.”  So, if you have accepted Jesus Christ as your savior then you have been saved. You have eternal life through Him. You don’t have to keep worrying about your salvation. Even if you stray or lose your way, you are saved.

Damien, you reiterated this and yes, as Damien said, Dylan, your salvation was sealed with God. AMEN!
Jessica reminds us how to live out our faith, by reading scripture, listening to God’s word, living with a grateful heart, and trusting God.

Dylan you rock, man. You are searching for the truth, and God will reveal the truth to you. Thanks for being willing to be vulnerable and share your questions with us. And thank you to all of our peer-to-peer callers. You’ll be seriously off the charts…with your wisdom, and life experience and sound advice for Dylan.

Most of all a big shout out and thank you to our listeners. You are the reason we do what we do.

Salvation is Open for All

If you’ve never prayed the prayer of salvation, and you want Jesus to be your savior and want Him to be the center of your heart and life, then you can do that right now.

You just pray to God. Ask Him to forgive your sins. Then confess you believe in Him and the sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ. And let Him know you want to live your life for Him.

Follow me in this prayer if you’re ready:

Dear Heavenly Father,
I’m sorry for the wrong things I’ve done. Please forgive me. I believe your Son died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead, and because of this I will enter into heaven when I die. Jesus, come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior. I willingly give you, my life. Now, Father, help me do your will. Thank you again for saving me! In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

Other Related Podcast Episodes:

How to Find God – EP 32
Ronnie’s Life Changing Decision – EP 9

Resources about Salvation:

• How Can I Be Sure I Am Really Saved?
• What Does It Mean to Be Saved by Grace?
• Is My Relationship with God Secure?
• Accepting the Love of God
• Learn More About God

Relevant eBooks:

• Understanding A Relationship with God and the Basics of Christianity

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a HopeCoach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,
Dawson's podcast, our website, everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. - Rachel

If you clicked on this title, first of all: we’re proud of you! It’s scary to seek help for depression and other mental health challenges, let alone consider talking to someone about it. If you’re still wondering whether what you’ve been feeling is depression, let’s talk about common symptoms. It’s incredibly common for young adults to experience depression because newsflash: LIFE IS HARD. 

For students and young adults, it’s common for depression to manifest as angry outbursts or other surprising surges of emotion that you don’t know how to handle. It could also surface as physical symptoms like changes in appetite, fatigue, a prolonged stomachache or headache. You may also notice that you’ve lost interest in things you used to enjoy, whether that be hobbies, hanging out with your friends, or favorite books and TV shows. The overwhelming urge to cry, stay in bed all day, changes in your sleep patterns, and feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness are also tell-tale signs that you may be struggling with depression.

If any of this sounds familiar, you may indeed be battling depression, which means it’s time to talk to your parents. That’s sometimes easier said than done, though, right? Especially if you’re the type of person who puts on a brave face so that nobody suspects what you’re going through. But in this case, it’s important that you let your guard down for once.

How to Talk About Depression

How to Bring Depression up With Your Parents

When it comes to mental health, telling anyone is daunting, let alone your parents. You may be worried they’ll panic, get angry, or write off your experiences completely. Unfortunately, some parents are struggling with their own mental health, and if they aren’t aware of their internal biases, it can be hard to have an honest conversation with them about your feelings. In the end, however, most parents want what’s best for their children, and the thing to keep in mind as you approach them with this subject is this: they love you. Don’t stop reading! Yes, many of us have felt unloved by our parents. If it’s truly the case that you have a toxic or abusive relationship with your parents, seek help from another trusted adult, and use this article as a guide to talk to that person instead. If, however, your relationship with your parents is under the usual amount of strain that happens as we become independent of them, try your best to recognize their love for you in the upcoming conversation.

So, what do you say to them? There are a few ways for you to start this conversation. Try approaching them in one of these ways:

• “Mom/Dad, I need to talk to you about something important. I need you to hear me out and let me say it. I’ve been feeling off for a while now, and I want to talk to you about depression.”
• “Have you noticed that I’ve been a little low energy/sad/less interested in my favorite things lately? It’s really starting to worry me. Do you think I could be depressed?”
• “Have you or has anyone else in our family ever struggled with depression? I think I could be having symptoms of it, and I would really like to talk about it with you.”

Pick one of those and tweak it to make it personal for you and your parents. Then…. just say it! Once it’s out of your mouth, you’ve done the hardest part. You’ve got this.

How to Address Your Parents’ Questions

More than likely (and because they love you) your parents are going to have a lot of questions about the idea of their child being depressed. They might fear the worst and jump to the conclusion that you’re suicidal. They might be upset because they feel responsible or at fault for you feeling this way. These feelings could come out in a number of ways from tears to frustration to fix-it mode. It’s important for you not to let this part surprise you. Your parents are humans too! Remain as calm as you can and answer the questions, you’re comfortable with as factually as possible. They may want to know what your symptoms are, how long you’ve been experiencing them, whether something traumatic may have happened, and why you think it’s depression. If you aren’t comfortable answering questions, you can say something like this:

• “I’m a little tired and overwhelmed to answer all these questions. Can we just make an appointment with my doctor and talk about it then?”
• “I get why you have questions, and so do I. I really need your support right now, and the questions are making me feel like I’m in trouble. Can you just give me a hug and tell me everything’s going to be okay?”
• “I know you’re worried, but I just told you I think I’m depressed. I don’t know any more than you do. Can we do some research together and figure this out?”

Your parents' emotions might run wild when they hear that their child is struggling, and that’s normal. Take a deep breath as they try to adjust to this new reality, and remember that you’re telling them so that you can get support. If all else fails, and they struggle to hear your words, wrap them up in a big hug. It may be exactly what you both need. If, after a day or two, they still aren’t able to process what you’ve told them, try offering them some of these resources:

• An Overview of Teen Depression
• 5 Things Never to Say to Someone Who’s Depressed
• How to Help Your Depressed Teenager
• 7 Ways to Support a Friend or Loved One With Depression

You can even say something like:

• “I found some articles that might be useful for you to help process what we talked about.”
• “Would you mind reading these for me? I need you to understand.
• “I know this is hard, but I’m not the only one. There’s research out there that could help us deal with this.”

Give them time to process, and remember they love you. If you think your parents are ignoring the news you gave them or aren’t willing to help you, it’s time to tell another trusted adult who will. Look for a school counselor, a support group in town, or reach out to TheHopeLine. We’ll connect you with resources that can get you started on a healing journey.

Ask Your Parents for What You Need

The whole point of opening up to your parents like this is to get support, so now that you’ve been vulnerable, ask for what you need. What do you need? That depends. There are a number of ways to approach depression treatment. From self-help strategies and lifestyle changes to medication and psychotherapy, you have the ability to choose what works best for you. Before you can determine any of that, you need to see a professional and get a proper diagnosis. Without a clear understanding of your condition, you can’t pursue the right kinds of treatment. Try talking to your parents about getting evaluated by a doctor:

• “I want to see my doctor. Can you please take me?”
• “I want to try counseling. Can we find someone to help me?”
• “Can we please call my doctor and ask for a referral to a good psychologist? I want to make sure we know what we’re dealing with and how to treat it.”
• “Let’s check Focus on The Family to see if there are any therapists near us that could help me figure out what’s going on.”

If they are resistant to seeing a doctor because they are still convinced there’s a negative stigma to having a mental illness, remind them that stigma is dangerous and outdated, and ask them if they’d rather see your condition get worse. Remember that if you’re over 18, you don’t need their permission to see your doctor, and reach out to TheHopeLine for help processing what to do next.

You Are Allowed to Seek Joy

Enough about your parents. You know yourself. Whether you’ve been hiding it or upfront about it, you wouldn’t be reading this article unless you noticed a problem in your life. Don’t hide any longer. Take on the tough task of being vulnerable with them and seek help. You may be depressed, but you're NOT defeated. In fact, you’re one of the strongest people we know. It takes A LOT to summon the energy and courage to pursue healing when you’re battling with depression, and that means deep down you have hope that you can find joy. How do you know that? Because you were created with an innate worth and immeasurable value by someone who wants you to live abundantly. Your soul was born to sing, and your desire to treat your depression is a beautiful example of how much you actually value yourself, even if you struggle with feelings of worthlessness. 

 

My Experience With Anxiety

I Overthink Everything

"I’m a worrywart. I spend hours on Google self-diagnosing anything that feels abnormal. I like to organize and schedule things to compensate for my fear of the future. I overthink everything, so for me, all decisions (big or small) take time. Anxiety is part of my everyday life. This is my story." - Hazelle

I have a very, very anxious dog. Every morning he paces back and forth as I get ready for work. He knows the inevitable is coming: I’m leaving for work and he’s going to be all alone. He nervously follows me around everywhere. Every time I leave him at home, he cries, he whimpers, he barks as he cowers — he is debilitated and powerless. His anxiety completely overcomes him.
The funny/sad/scary thing is… I think my pooch got his anxiety from me.

I’ve had my share of debilitating moments. I’ve felt sharp pangs in my chest, weird tingling sensations that lead me to convince myself that either my heart has literally erupted, or that I am at the brink of dying of a heart attack. Even as I write this now, it feels like there is an ever-growing weight on my chest. I feel like I am suffocating, drowning, and fainting all at the same time.

Terrified I Will Disappoint People

When I was very young, I constantly worried about small things like what I was going to eat for lunch and if I had enough money to buy a snack just in case. I spent many of my lunch breaks tethered to a payphone talking to my mom so she could reassure me that everything was going to be alright.

As I got a little older, my anxious tendencies were kept at bay. I worried about typical stuff — getting good grades, maintaining a part-time job, and finding a husband one day.

However, when my mom got diagnosed with a terminal illness, everything changed. From that moment and to this present day, my anxieties came back. I became constantly afraid of things I couldn’t foresee or control:

• I am scared that it’s only a matter of time before I or someone else in my family will die of cancer.
• I am nervous that yet another neighbor will complain about my dog’s anxious and loud barking.
• I am afraid that I will attend my high school reunion and feel like a failure next to the lawyer, the doctor, or the guy who has launched a successful business.
• I am fearful that all of my pregnancies will lead to miscarriages – even though I have never been pregnant.

The list goes on and on.

I am terrified that I will disappoint people, so I often do not take risks. I often turn down invitations to social gatherings because I tend to be anxious around other people. I have the unfortunate tendency to make a mental beeline to the worst possible scenario. In my imagination, I’ve been diagnosed, incarcerated, fired, divorced, and buried. My mind is a scary place to be sometimes.

Anxious Tendencies

There’s never a convenient time for my anxious tendencies to show up.

One time, I got so scared about a meeting with my boss that I was embarrassingly out of breath and could barely make out a sentence. When I’m home alone and panicking, I go straight into thinking that I could have a heart attack and just die alone. When I’m in a movie theatre and my phone starts buzzing, I almost instantly think that something bad has happened and I plan out how to exit the theatre in tears without making too much of a commotion.

Conditioned to Expect the Worst

I read somewhere that “If you expect to be disappointed, you’ll never be disappointed!” In so many circumstances, I’ve conditioned myself to expect the worst.

The interesting thing is that I am married to a generally spontaneous and carefree person, so you can imagine how I freeze when he commits us to a social engagement without checking with me first. To be honest, I have always admired his courage and his willingness to try new things, even if they’re a little scary. I often come to him in tears asking how I can prevent things from crippling me. He thrives in situations where he knows he has the freedom to fail. I, on the other hand, panic at the mere thought of failure.

Looming Shadow of Anxiety

If you feel as if you’re living in a world of “what ifs,” and you’re backed into a corner with nowhere else to turn, talk to us about it. Anxiety can feel like a looming shadow that follows you, even in a dark room. It can feel inescapable, but please do not face it alone. A Hope Coach is ready to listen and help you with whatever you are facing.

Social anxiety can lead to difficulty in other aspects of life. Click here to find out how social anxiety can affect school and work.

Used with permission of Power to Change. Originally published at issuesiface.com.