Posts by TheHopeLine Team

If you’ve ever made plans to hang out with friends, only to feel that wave of dread wash over you an hour before you need to leave the house because you just don’t want “to people,” you may be wondering if you have social anxiety. 

We’ve all canceled plans once or twice for various reasons, but if you’re canceling social engagements frequently because you get overwhelmed by the idea of being around people, even your friends, or if you miss school or dread going into work because of the small talk and social encounters involved, you might want to talk to your counselor or therapist about Social Anxiety Disorder.

Being an introvert is one thing but panicking about or avoiding every social interaction is eventually going to take a toll on your work or school performance (and your happiness), so let’s look at ways to understand and navigate living with social anxiety.

What to Know About Social Anxiety

What is Social Anxiety Disorder? 

Social anxiety, or social phobia, doesn’t mean that you’re “antisocial” or don’t like other people. It can, however, mean anything from being shy about meeting new people to having actual panic attacks in the midst of social interactions. It can also manifest in oddly specific ways, such as a fear of public speaking or the inability to use public restrooms. It’s a diagnosable form of anxiety, which the DSM-V defines as a “marked fear or anxiety about one or more social situations in which the individual is exposed to possible scrutiny by others.” 

If you struggle to make friends, keep friends, find romantic partners, attend school, talk to teachers or bosses, or participate in activities that require you to be around people, you could be among the many folks who have SAD. You may have to be exhibiting pretty extreme anxiety about social situations to be diagnosed with the official disorder, but even if you’re just struggling with occasional nervousness, it’s valuable to recognize that it’s quite common to experience social anxiety on any level.

Signs & Symptoms of Social Anxiety

It’s perfectly normal to feel nervous before you present an important project in front of your class and to get that classic feeling of butterflies in your stomach before going on a date. Social anxiety takes those “normal” stress reactions to a whole new level. So how do you know if you have it? We’ve listed some examples already, but two big factors to look out for are avoidance and extreme discomfort. If you either go to extremes to avoid social situations in the first place or endure them while experiencing noticeable discomfort, you’re likely a socially anxious person, and you’re not alone. Some other common examples are:

• Poor school or work attendance. While there can be a number of other reasons behind frequent absences, missing classes or work shifts is a common sign of social anxiety. Talk to someone about why you’re not showing up, and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you suspect you’re struggling with SAD.
• Substance abuse. Someone with social anxiety may try to use substances as a way of “lowering inhibitions” when faced with socialization. While it may seem like a good idea to enjoy a glass of “liquid courage” to quell those nerves about making small talk at your next party, if you’re so uncomfortable that you need it, that’s a sign of an unhealthy reliance or addiction.
• Loneliness or isolation. If you avoid socializing, it’s not surprising that you might find yourself missing your friends or wishing you had more support. If the fear of feeling uncomfortable or judged around others is extreme enough that you prefer to stay home, it’s time to consider whether you have SAD.
• Feeling physically tense, avoiding eye contact, excessively sweating, or feeling nauseated in social situations. You make it out of the house, and you show up to the event! But you’re miserably uncomfortable the entire time. Though there are other illnesses that could cause this level of discomfort, it may also be a good idea to get evaluated for SAD.

Ways to Cope with Social Anxiety at School or Work

If you think you’re dealing with Social Anxiety Disorder, it’s important to see a professional so you can receive a diagnosis and pursue proper treatment. In the meantime, there are a lot of things you can try on your own to help with the complications of being socially anxious during your day-to-day life. For example:

1. Recognize unhealthy thinking patterns. Social anxiety is usually about the fear of being judged or rejected if we show up and offer ourselves to the world. It tells us that people won’t like us, that we’re too annoying, too loud, too quiet, too tall, etc. Learn to listen when your brain starts to tell you these lies and identify when your thoughts are repeating those lies to you. Remind yourself that you can’t read other people’s minds, nor can you predict the future. And in all honesty, people are often so focused on themselves, they aren’t really even paying that much attention to you. We think people are watching us MUCH more than they are.

2. Brush up on current events. If it’s the small talk and conversation that worries you, a little bit of study may help you feel more prepared for surprise interactions at work or school. There are a number of apps you can try to help you keep up with the news and pop culture tidbits. It may sound silly, but even, “Hey, have y’all seen this TikTok trend?” is a perfectly normal way to start or add to a casual conversation. Keep yourself up to date, and sooner or later, that knowledge will probably come in handy.

3. When appropriate, ask a friend to come with you to events. Obviously, you can’t just bring your BFF to sit next to you while you audition for the jazz band, but you could ask them to wait outside! And you can ask to bring a guest to a work party if that might help you feel more comfortable engaging with the event. Relying on the support you have is a great way to cope with SAD.

4. Move your body. The body and mind are connected, which is why you experience physical symptoms for psychological problems. This is actually pretty good news, because it means you may be able to mitigate the psychology (social anxiety) with the physical (moving your body). Take a break from whatever you’re doing when you start to feel anxious. Stand up, grab a glass or water, take some deep breaths, and do some stretching until you feel a little better. If you’re anticipating a tough day, take a long walk and listen to a book or podcast to fill up your “peace” tank--you may need it later. 

5. Leave when you need to. It’s okay to recognize that maybe you don’t have to sit through dinner if you’re so nervous that you feel like you might vomit, or if you’re shaking so hard you can’t continue with a conversation. Calmly and politely explain that you’re not feeling well and leave. Go home, be kind to yourself, and seek help from a professional to find treatments that can help you avoid another situation that extreme. 

Learn to Cultivate Real Community

There’s no shame in struggling with SAD, but if you’re struggling to talk about it, try reaching out to us at TheHopeLine. We’re happy to chat with you because we believe you’re worthy of love and respect, not the judgment and scrutiny you might fear happens with strangers. We were created for community, and when people can come together in love and trust to experience true fellowship and have a good time, there’s nothing more beautiful. Your social anxiety could be trying to rob you of that! Don’t let it.

-Cara Beth

 

Why Do People Cheat?

Betrayal Hurts

When someone you love and trust decides to hurt you, the pain cuts deep, so deep that the stories sometimes go down in history, whether they’re real or fictional. We know the stories of Olivia Rodrigo’s “Traitor,” Archie and Veronica in Riverdale, and the classic betrayals of old like Edmund Pevensie and his siblings in Narnia, Jesus and Judas, Samson and Delilah, and so many more. Whether you’re standing on the other side of that betrayal with a dagger in your back or you’re just reading about it, you’ve probably wondered, “Why? How could they do that?”

Cheating is essentially betrayal. It’s taking a bond of love and pulling the rug out from under the unsuspecting person who trusts that they are safe and secure in that relationship. Just like in the examples above, betrayal doesn’t necessarily mean that the betrayer no longer loves the betrayed. Edmund loves his brother and sisters, and Judas loves Jesus. But somehow in that moment, and in the moment when a loved one cheats on their romantic partner, the temptation of the temporary benefits of cheating outweighed the value of a lasting relationship. But still, both the cheated and the cheater are stuck asking, “Why?” Why do people cheat on people they love?

Why Do People Cheat?

Though every situation is unique and warrants its own careful consideration, there are some common reasons that people cheat in romantic relationships. Though there’s some research that suggests men cheat for different reasons than women cheat, there are still plenty of shared elements across the board. It’s important to note that you can have an explanation for an action that still does not excuse that behavior. These reasons are not excuses, but they may help to understand how and why the cheating took place. 

Reasons Why People Cheat

1. Sometimes, the cheater is actually just “done” with their current relationship and doesn't know how to end it. This is no excuse for breaking the trust their partner has in them, but there are times in both marriage and dating relationships when, perhaps, the person who ends up cheating has been “over” their partner for a while. Either because there are several years invested in the relationship, children in the situation, or just plain cowardice, the betrayer is too scared to say the words, “I’m breaking up with you.” Breakups and divorces are difficult, even for the person who initiates them. The fact is that at one point there was probably love there, and it can be a terrifying thing to imagine giving up that feeling of security, even if the relationship no longer fulfills you.

2. Often, the cheater looks for something on the side because they feel a lack of something in their current relationship, like they’re missing something. Maybe they feel lonely because their partner is busy, traveling, sick, or emotionally distant. Maybe they feel neglected or ignored at home, and they look for acceptance and intimacy elsewhere, when they really want it from their partner. Again, the healthier choice would be to communicate the desire for more intimacy with their partner, rather than choose betrayal, but sometimes reaching for cheating is like reaching for comfort food… it’s just temporarily filling a void, not really satisfying the need.

3. Others cheat out of sheer overwhelm or as a response to past trauma. If they have abandonment issues, certain mental illness, or a number of fears regarding security and relationships, they may subconsciously feel that it’s unwise to turn down any opportunity for love and affection, even if it means betraying their partner. They may, in a way, be incapable of refusing any opportunity for intimacy, whether it’s real or false, because of a deep-seated fear of being alone or unliked. Because the traumas that cause these fears often result in substance abuse as well, it’s sometimes the case that the cheater is abusing alcohol or drugs when they step out on their partner. The sensory overload of being intoxicated at the same time as being in a tricky situation is too much for them to handle in a way that reflects their values. Again, this reason is no excuse, and the cheater in this case needs treatment and to honestly confront their own problems.

4. Sadly, there are also those who cheat out of plain ole selfishness. It’s true. Maybe their expectations of their current relationship are unreasonably high, and they think they “deserve better,” when really, they’re being treated perfectly well and don’t care who they hurt in the process. Maybe they just think one night of harmless fun doesn’t matter, when really it can decimate a family and break a heart. In this case, it’s likely that cheating isn’t the only way in which this person is being selfish in the relationship. It’s also the case that this reason, among all the others, may be the most difficult to forgive, because there may be no remorse.

Can You Rebuild Trust?

Remember those examples of great betrayals? Some of those ended better than others. Some of the betrayers at least regretted what they did, which is something. They learned a lesson. They might not repeat the same mistakes, given the opportunity. But Edmund Pevensie from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe is a great example of a betrayer who actually found redemption. Sure, this example isn’t one of romantic cheating, but bear with the comparison for a moment. He became swept up in the promise of feeling special, which is the same way many romantic cheaters have been enticed into their actions. He felt, briefly, that he deserved something more than he was getting, and in a moment of isolation and selfishness, he gave away information that could have had his family and much of Narnia murdered in cold blood. When he was caught, everyone had a right to want him dead in return. When he saw the error of his ways, he ran from the White Witch, asked Aslan’s forgiveness and repented to his siblings and promised to regain their trust, and though it must have been incredibly hard for his siblings, Peter, Susan, and Lucy, they eventually couldn’t help but forgive their beloved brother. They found a stronger relationship on the other side of the trauma.

Moving On Will Require Some Work

A word of caution: not every cheater deserves the same amount of renewed trust as Edmund. If you’ve cheated or been cheated on, it’s important to note that he worked to earn that. If that work doesn’t happen, it’s time to consider breaking up. But a word of hope: cheating and betrayal are not always the end of a relationship. Perhaps it might mark the end of a certain era of your relationship. Perhaps it will never be the way it was before. Perhaps it will be more distant. Perhaps it will be sweeter. The important thing is for the person who committed the betrayal to be able to honestly confront themselves about how and why it happened, and for the betrayed to weigh whether their new boundaries can include someone who once broke them.

If you’ve cheated, been cheated on, or you’re the child of a parent who cheated on another, it can be difficult to swim in all the feelings that happen after an event like that. Please feel free to reach out to someone at TheHopeLine, where we can chat with you about the next steps, whether to approach the other people involved in the trauma, and how to set boundaries and seek healing in the aftermath. You’re not alone, and there is always hope. Remember that while Christ’s story is one of redemption, it is also one of consequences, and while healing is always a possibility, the fact is that a cheating situation has to be honestly confronted before that can happen.

Are you the cheater? Whether your relationship survives or not, move forward. To have meaningful relationships in the future try these 5 life-changing steps. 

My Story With Addiction and Loneliness

I Felt Abandoned

Hi. I'm Megan and I'm an Addict. I thought that was a weird word. I didn't really ever think I was one. It's a typical story really.

But so hard for me to deal with. I was always an outcast when I was a kid. By the time I started drinking and smoking, my parents had already been divorced and remarried three separate times. I felt that as a teenager I was abandoned. Even though I knew that they were better off apart I still missed my dad. I fought with my mom constantly. Broke all of her rules since I was old enough to break them. I come from a very strict religious home. I grew up with God and Jesus, but I never felt them in my life. Everyone had abandoned me, so why not God as well?

Smoking Pot and Getting Drunk at Thirteen

I never used to think I had a problem. I only drank on the weekends and then I started smoking pot. I was 13 years old, and I was skipping school to smoke pot and get drunk. I then found a new drug...pain pills. I had a kidney infection, so my doctors prescribed me narcotics. I really liked them. I liked the way that I didn't have to feel or think. I could just zone out and forget all of my pains. I was depressed, but my therapists didn't know it, really. I was so good at masking my pain and sorrow; they would think I was fine. I wasn't doing them all the time and I even stopped for several years, but the drinking and smoking continued.

Started Chatting with a HopeCoach When I was 15

I moved out at age 18 and it was really really bad. I was drinking almost all the time. I started getting my hands on any downer pill that would get me high. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I started talking to Hope Coaches at age 15, right after my suicide attempt. They were amazing. I have never forgotten how I felt at the end of that chat. I understood that my life was a mess. Then at age 19, I found the ultimate downer...heroin. It was like those pain pills, only so much better. I could just smoke my problems away. I felt amazing.

Someone Is Always There to Listen

Skip a couple of years...I'm living in a hotel room with my boyfriend, who is selling drugs to keep us supported. I was cut off from all my family and friends. I never wanted it to be like that. I found a place and was okay for a while. Still, all the while, thinking that I didn't have a problem. I didn't use it all the time, just once in a while. I was fine. I got kicked out of the house we moved into because we were just high all the time. All energy and time went into thinking of ways to get money to get drugs. I drove an hour each day to pick up and sometimes twice. I stole.  I lied to people I didn't even know.  I panhandled and because of my innocent look and the fact that I didn't shoot up, so no track marks...people gave me money. I ended up living in a homeless shelter and then in jail. I moved out to live with my mom in another city, and today I'm doing really well. But through it all, I abandoned everything I knew. Talking to a hope coach was amazing. I felt as if I wasn't alone. I haven't seen my boyfriend of 3 years in 6 months. I hear from him all the time and he tells me that I have to get better for me. And that is exactly what I am doing.

I felt so alone today and the HopeCoach I spoke with, helped me realize that no matter what, someone is always there listening.

I know I always have the ability to talk to someone who understands and how I can get in touch with Jesus. The prayer they gave was amazing and touched me so much.

Thank you so much...to the person who made me feel so much less alone.
-Megan

I Thought I Had Time to Talk to My Dad About God

“My father passed away and I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think he was saved. So, I’ve really been struggling with not only is my dad gone, but I don’t know where he is.” – Savannah

Thanks for joining us! In this episode, we’re talking with Savannah. Her father just recently passed away. She says she’s struggling because she’s not sure if he was saved. She’s unclear whether he’s in heaven with God or possibly in hell.

If you’ve had a loved one die and wondered if they made it to heaven, then this is going to be a great episode for you
We’ll also be discussing the question: How can a holy, loving God send anyone to hell? If this is a question you’ve wondered about, then stay tuned.

I Don’t Think My Father Was Saved

Savannah: My father passed away and it was determined it was a drug overdose. My heart almost stopped beating when I heard the news. I am really into church. I was actually planning to go to college to become a pastor. Right when I started getting really involved in church is when everything happened. My dad was dedicated to the church when he was a baby, but I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think he was saved. So, I’ve really been struggling with not only is my dad gone, but I don’t know where he is.

Dawson: This is a major struggle for you? You’re afraid he’s in hell?

Savannah: I’m afraid that he’s struggling more now than he was when he was here. It’s hard for me to accept that’s potentially true.

Dawson: That’s pretty heavy! This much we do know. He went to a perfectly loving, kind, holy, just God and He’s going to take care of it. When we get to heaven, we will have a different perspective about it.

How Can a Loving God Send Anybody to Hell?

People ask the question, “How can a loving God send anybody to hell?”

My answer is, “How could a holy God wait so long to do it?”

If we knew how holy God really was and the horribleness of our sin. If there was no Christ, what hope would we have? We just have to say, God you’re the one to wipe away all tears. I trust my father with you, God. Your will is best. When I’m there I will understand it and live in it, because there is some mystery there.

Savannah: Everyone’s been asking me, “How are you not angry at God?” Because I’m not. My main thing is I had on my heart for so long, “just talk to your dad about me.” I was like, “I have time. I have time to do that.” And it turned out I didn’t.

Dawson: People say, “How can God do this to you?” But what does God owe us?

Savannah: Nothing! He’s given us everything.

Dawson: The only thing that God owes us is judgment. The only thing we’ve earned before God is hell for the way we have lived.
God giving you your father for over 20 years is all an act of grace. That we breathe one more breath is all God’s goodness and grace. So, let’s not get into this God owes me something and how dare he take away a loved one.

Carrying A Lot of Guilt

Savannah: Yes. I just have a lot of regret for not sharing the gospel with my dad. Knowing that I should have, and then him being gone.

Dawson: But God had all these different ways to get to your dad. Believe me, your dad heard the gospel. He definitely had a chance.

Savannah: Me and my dad had a pretty rocky past, because I pretty much put him off because of his addiction. I had to cut him off because he’s bringing all this negativity into my life. I just gave up pretty much and then he was gone.

Dawson: You’re being way too tough on yourself. What he put you through, no one should have to go through. My sense of it is he saw the love of Christ in you. He saw enough in you that if he wanted to, he could have been and might have been drawn in by the love of Christ.

Peer to Peer: Advice for Savannah

The Guilt is From Satan – Cleveland

The Holy Spirit led me to call and tell Savannah that the guilt she’s feeling, and those questions are only from Satan. God is the one who’s in control of everything. Don’t let Satan come in there and pull her away from God. Obviously, she’s on the right path with Jesus. So, keep your head up and know that God is in control of everything!

Also, I’m sure no man passes from this earth without God having the chance to witness to them, either through her life or through someone else’s. Everyone gets a chance to meet Jesus.

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead, he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9

Trust That God Got Through to Him at Some Point – Nicole

Nobody but your dad and God, Savannah, knows whether he was saved or not. Just because his life might not be like it should have been, doesn’t mean he didn’t know God. We all backslide at some time. Maybe he wasn’t making the right decisions in life, but trust that God got through to him at some point and maybe you just didn’t know it.

Your Dad Saw Your Walk with Jesus

I heard you talking about how much you’re doing for God right now. I agree with Cleveland. Don’t let the devil bring you down, because you’re in a great place. I’m 29 years old and I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’ve recently just in the past 2 months gotten back into church. Your dad saw your walk with Jesus. Even if you didn’t communicate it to him that much, your dad knows you had a strong connection with God. Therefore, God had to have been speaking to him. You don’t know, he might have accepted Christ. Cling to the power of Jesus’s name and trust in God.

Cling to Help from Family and Friends - Katherine

Savannah, the Lord needs your heart. It’s about you and God at this point. Your dad and God’s relationship is their own. Nothing you can do can change that. I’m sure he’s in heaven being taken care of and watching over you. Cling to help from family and friends because friends are family. Also, seeing a therapist will help. We all need therapy daily, whether it’s art therapy, friend therapy or just you and God alone with your prayers and thoughts.

God Forgives You, So Forgive Yourself - Stacey

Savannah is blaming herself. God forgives her so she needs to forgive herself. Every one of us has been in that position where God wanted us to do something, and we didn’t do it.  So, we learn by that, it makes us stronger.

I lost my dad in a different situation, but not knowing where he was. I know God has the answers and will get her through it.

It’s Really Hard to Think About a Loved One Not Making it to Heaven

Cleveland the guy we heard from first, said he was led by the Holy Spirit to assure you, Savannah, that God is in control and the guilt you carry is not from God but is coming from Satan. Now, I’m like most people, I don’t like talking about the devil very much. I’d rather just ignore him, but we do have to recognize that he is working on this earth and will use any situation in our life to try to steal from us, kill us or destroy us.

The awesome part of having a relationship with God is that God knows us and lays His life down for us, so we don’t have to be destroyed by the devil. God gives us an abundant life with power over evil.

Savannah, it was interesting that both Nicole and Katherine said the relationship your father had with God is between him and God and not up to you. The one thing you can focus on now is your trust and faith in God. And remember that God is a loving, compassionate and merciful God.

It is really hard to think about one of our loved ones not making it to heaven, and that’s why we must share who God is with all those in our lives. Sometimes we think there’s plenty of time like Savannah did. Sometimes we think they’ve heard about God enough already. This is where we can rely on God and the Holy Spirit to guide us as to when to talk about Him and how to do it. And then when they have passed on, we lean into God and trust Him with the rest.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Now, if you have any questions about eternity, what happens when we die or really any questions at all, chat with us at TheHopeLine.com. We’re here to help on this journey we call life.

Faith Resources:

• Building Faith: How Prayer Helps Heartbreak
• How to Cling to God in the Midst of Anxiety and Worrying
• Faith When Life Is Hard: God Understands Your Pain
• BrokenHearted: Loving God Through Painful Times
• The End of My Grieving Process

Need to talk to someone? Chat with a Hope Coach at TheHopeLine.

One last thing,
My podcast, our website, and everything we do is entirely listener supported. If you’d like to help us to continue our work, please make a gift right now on our Give Now page.

This is the Dawson McAllister Podcast, and until next time…Remember you are loved, you are valuable, and God has an amazing plan for your life. - Rachel

My Story of Insecurity

Everyone is insecure over something. I've yet to find one person who loves everything about themself.

Unfortunately, my insecurities led me to develop anxiety and depression. Being a teen in middle school makes yourself appearance stand out more and more. In 8th grade, I noticed how all of my friends had boyfriends and nice clothes and nice houses. And then I began to feel I wasn't good enough because no guys "liked" me, and they liked my friends.

I didn't have brand-name clothes because my parents just couldn't afford them. And my house is small and not the nicest. So, I decided since I wasn't perfect like my friends seemed to be.  I tried everything to be perfect. I began to plan out a diet which soon turned into a dangerous eating disorder. I had cuts all over my arms, stomach, and legs.
I felt hopeless.

My parents seemed as if nothing was wrong...like they were ashamed of me. That really sucked. I would come home and cry every single day and lock myself into my room and beg God to let me die.

But then I found this website. I talked to a HopeCoach and they said the right things. They made me feel like I wasn't a mistake. They said I was perfect... just for being me. I cried tears of joy and thanked them. God answered my prayers.

If I hadn't found this website...I would probably have tried to commit suicide.

Thank you TheHopeLine.com! You changed my life tremendously.
- Erin

Don’t stay in that place of insecurity, it’s going to take time to change what you think about yourself but it’s possible. TheHopeLine’s eBook on self-worth gives practical advice on how to increase your self-esteem.

If you or a friend need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, for free confidential, 24/7 help. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. For additional help, please visit the suicide prevention resource page.

Benefits of Counseling in College

Counseling as College Students

College students are often hesitant to see a counselor or get help with their struggles. It may be due to the busy nature of student life, fear of judgment from peers, or a belief that your problem “isn’t bad enough.” For whatever reason, counseling in college is not always a priority.

However, if you are struggling, receiving support is crucial to your health and wellbeing, and not something that should be put off.

A few weeks ago, a friend and I were having a conversation about our experiences with counseling as college students. In light of that conversation, I wanted to address how therapy made a world of difference for both of us.

College before counseling  

I went through my first year of college battling some disordered eating. It started in high school but was exacerbated by the freedom that came with moving away from home. Although I was still able to maintain my grades and keep up with a social life, it was not an easy task.

Obsessive thoughts about food crept into nearly every waking moment. My mind had little to no room for anything other than worry about food and my body. I was constantly preoccupied with concerns about what I was going to be eating, guilt surrounding food, and stress about exercise. This mentality became extremely dangerous to me—my actions and thoughts were harming me, but I didn’t even realize it at the time.

I recognize now that while at college, I was especially vulnerable because of the vast accessibility to unhealthy ways to cope with my struggles.

Before my friend started receiving counseling, she turned to alcohol and partying to grapple with many underlying issues, such as disordered eating, self-harm, depression, and anxiety. She was always a hardworking student, so she would throw herself into schoolwork, and then party on the weekends. Both of those activities served as a strategy to avoid confronting her mental wellbeing. However, due to expressed concern from friends, she eventually started seeing a therapist.

Counseling gives freedom from thoughts that hold us captive

My friend told me that once she started seeing her therapist, she saw a huge change in her self–image and emotional wellbeing and that she was able to be a better friend to others. When you are in a state of crisis 24/7 inside your own head, it affects every area of your life. She told me, “I had a pretty negative relationship with food since I was probably 11 or 12 years old, so to be able to eat intuitively and not control what I was eating all the time was an accomplishment made possible by months of counseling.”

I am also very thankful that I decided to see a counselor before my problems worsened. I was already in a bad spot, but it likely would have gotten even worse, had I not gotten help when I did.

During my freshman year, I believed that I would simply always think this way and that my mind would forever be trapped in thoughts of self-hatred and a lack of control. However, through a summer of consistent sessions with my therapist, I went into my sophomore year, much more equipped to handle my issues with food and body image. Although there was more work to be done, I found that I had so much more mental space for more important things— friendships, school material, and just making good memories while I was at school.

Improve your capability to succeed academically 

My friend and I also discussed how difficult it is to focus on schoolwork when you are not in a good place mentally— something that seems obvious, yet so many college students still leave their issues unaddressed and suppress them.

My friend told me, “Because I was no longer having obsessive thoughts about food, and because I wasn’t experiencing bouts of depression all the time, I was able to complete my schoolwork much more easily. Going to class was a much easier task, writing papers wasn’t so daunting and overwhelming anymore, and the time it took me to complete my assignments was drastically diminished. Talking with my counselor when I was at rock bottom, at the point of considering dropping out for the semester, helped me develop strategies to complete my schoolwork, even amidst my worst depressive episodes.”

After getting some counseling, I too could see a considerable improvement in my ability to focus, my productivity, and my capability to deal with a stressful week. When I was at a very low point, I was taking a lot of unnecessary time to plan out meals, grocery shop, or worry about my food and workouts. Once I began to have a more laid-back approach to nutrition and was not constantly slaving away at trying to change my body, I automatically had more time. I was then able to use this new time and mental space to work on my classwork, and it was much easier to succeed.

Take the next step, see a counselor 

To anyone hesitant to see a counselor or take time to care for their mental health, know that the Lord wants to take over here in order for you to find healing, even if you think you can “fix” yourself on your own.

Or, if you think your problems aren’t that significant, know that it is never a sign of weakness to seek professional help. You may be surprised at everything you realize about yourself, as well as how many areas of your life can improve from seeking counseling.

Because I was able to free my mind, my academic performance, my relationships with friends, and overall physical wellbeing improved immensely. I can confidently say that counseling in college changed my life!

College is a great time but can provide many stressors. Check out our tips on how to manage college as a student dealing with depression. 

This article was originally posted at, Mercy Multiplied.
Mercy Multiplied is a free-of-charge residential counseling program that helps young women ages 13-32 break free from life-controlling issues and situations. Apply today or learn more about how Mercy can help you.  

If you’re considering forgiveness, ever, good for you. The fact that you would even think about showing grace, love, and kindness toward someone who’s done you wrong is a sign that you have great empathy and strength. It can be extremely difficult to forgive someone, especially if what they did to you had lasting repercussions, and that’s certainly the case when we’re abandoned by the person who’s supposed to love and support us above all else. So again, if you’re reading this because you’re wondering about forgiving a parent who left you, take a moment to be proud of yourself. Now, let’s talk about forgiveness.

What to Know About Forgiving Parents

How To Forgive a Parent Who Left You When You Were Young? 

Yes, you’ve probably heard this saying before, but here it is again, because it’s just, quite frankly, true: Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person. It’s about lifting the burden of that pain from your heart so that you have the emotional time and energy for other more joyful things. It’s not about ignoring the wrong that’s been done or negating the pain you’ve felt, but it is about making room for something better in your future by tucking the past into the back of your mind where it can go dormant.

Reasons (Not Excuses) For Abandonment

The first place to start when it comes to forgiveness is empathy, and as we’ve already established, you’re connected with your empathy just by virtue of considering this act of forgiveness. And what’s empathy? It’s placing yourself in the other person’s shoes for just a moment and doing your best to understand the thoughts and feelings that led to their decisions. If you can at least try to understand where your parent was coming from when they made the decision to leave you, then you might be able to see a path to forgiveness.

So, what does go through a parent’s head when they do something as drastic as abandoning their child? If you have access to information about your birth parents, or if someone in your family might know what your absent parent went through before leaving you, do some digging. Ask questions. If your remaining parent is willing, and you trust them to be honest with you, sit down and talk through what happened. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know the answer to “Why did my parent leave? How could they do that to me?”

If you don’t have any way to find out your absent parent’s specific story, there are quite a few reasons that people have abandoned or separated from their children. While this list is not exhaustive by any means, here are a few examples for you to think through.

• Sometimes a person may view the act of stepping out of a child’s life as benevolent. This is often the case when an adoption plan is made for an infant by parents who feel too young or too impoverished to provide the child with a good life. In other cases, the state views removing a child from its birth parents to be an act of benevolence because of circumstances like addiction and abuse. In either case, the parent or state was doing what they believed best for you, the child.
• Relationship conflicts between adults can also lead to a child’s abandonment. If a mother and father, mother and grandmother, or anyone in a household don’t get along, sometimes a person’s decision to leave has far more to do with getting away from the adults in the home than it does with leaving a child. Whether the person who leaves is fleeing abuse or being kicked out by the owner of the home, the conflict between adults is usually the source of that departure, leaving children behind to survive with what’s left.
• Personal problems such as mental illness and addiction can also be a common thread in parents who abandon their children. Whether their disease makes them inconsiderate of or calloused to the needs and feelings of their kids, or whether their guilt about not being a perfect parent becomes too overwhelming, parents who suffer from conditions like alcoholism, drug addiction, BPD, and narcissistic personality disorder can end up leaving their children.

These are vague reasons, so it’ll be best if you’re able to ask about your parent’s story specifically. Every journey is different, but bottom line, abandonment is almost always rooted in deep, all-consuming fear. Whether that fear is being fed by love or selfishness, the actual abandonment isn’t really about you, the child, because they couldn’t possibly know who you would become and thus did not reject the person you are today. If you can mentally separate your experience of the abandonment from their act of abandonment, it may help you to relate to their choices enough to see your way toward forgiveness.

Ramifications of Childhood Abandonment

Even if you’ve been able to understand why your parent left, that will never undo the impact it had on your childhood. It’s important to acknowledge and review what a child goes through when a parent leaves, because ultimately, that suffering is the real source of your pain and the real burden you need to lay down in order to forgive.

• Abandonment Anxiety - Throughout childhood and adulthood, a person who’s abandoned by their parent may develop an anxious attachment style because they are afraid or convinced that any important relationship they have could end in abandonment or loss.
• Anger toward either parent or other adults. Whether you blame your mom for your dad leaving, blame your dad for leaving your mom to raise you on her own, blame your grandparents for not stepping in when they saw problems, or blame your teachers for being adults who will probably hurt you too, anger can be a big way that our brain tries to cover up pain. Dealing with a completely justified, deep-seated anger problem in a healthy way can be the work of a lifetime.
• Idealization of absent parent. Sometimes, instead of anger toward the absent parent, an abandoned child can twist reality in the opposite direction and become convinced that the absent parent is/was the best one. It can be a way of coping with the loss by fantasizing about how good things were before the parent’s departure, but it can sometimes lose any foundation in reality and become more of a fantasy.
• Low Self Esteem - Anyone who’s been rejected or abandoned on any level knows the temptation to internalize that and blame yourself. If you’re convinced that this terrible thing wouldn’t have happened if you could’ve been more or better at x, y, or z… your self-esteem is taking the brunt of your abandonment pain. Learning to believe that you are enough, that you deserve love, and that you are not to blame for the behaviors of others can be a lifelong journey.

The above struggles can lead to depression, addiction, eating disorders, and many other lasting health problems, so let’s not pretend that if we’re thinking about forgiving someone whose behavior was the source of major trauma that we can also ignore the fruits of that trauma. If you are experiencing difficulties coping with your own child abandonment pain, reach out for support. There can be no forgiveness without some healing.

Reasons to Forgive

Notice that none of the reasons above mention letting someone off the hook for something they’ve done. Consequences are real, and you have to trust that your parent has and will experience the consequences for their mistake without you monitoring to make sure they do. The reason to forgive is not to free them of their responsibilities but to free yourself from the pain of the past.

• Your freedom. Any kind of active pain can be a heavy burden to carry every day. If you’re waking up angry or heartbroken, no matter how much time has passed, you’re living the pain of your parent’s rejection and abandonment 24/7. And that’s not fair to you! You’re not free to experience the full range of mountains and valleys that the present day has to offer because you are stuck in the past. Forgiving your absent parent could be a huge step in letting go of the anger and grief that’s plaguing you.
• Potential relationship or reunification. Sometimes the absent parent comes back. This may or may not be what you want, but if you’ve reconnected with a birth parent after adoption or foster care, or if your parent returns and asks to be part of your life, it will be up to you to decide the future of that relationship. If you’re interested in or considering reuniting with this person, forgiveness will have to be the foundation of that new bond. Otherwise, the conflict will continue to arise between you until that old wound is addressed.
• God forgives. The love of Christ teaches us that it is never too late for a story to have a redemption arc, whether that’s your story or your parent’s story. The chance for grace and starting anew will be around more than one corner in both of your lifetimes, and Christ’s love is the living example that forgiveness is a foundation of that truth.

Go easy on yourself because this is not easy stuff. It’s never as simple as flipping the switch from unforgiven to forgiven in your brain or heart. Seek out support, lean on trusted friends, and confide in a professional counselor as you process these big life milestones. If you’re not sure where to begin, you can always reach out to us at TheHopeLine, where we’ll be happy to chat about how you can learn more about grace and forgiveness.

Forgiving someone who has hurt you could be the greatest challenge of your life, but also the most freeing and healing. Here are 6 steps on how to forgive.

How to Combat Anxiety About School

8 Ways To Prepare for the Semester & Reduce Back-to-School Anxiety

August is pretty well-known as “Back to School” month, unless you’re in the lucky group of students who get to go back after Labor Day. Either way, school is upon us, and it’s common to have jitters about getting back into the swing of academics. Back-to-school anxiety is a popular topic every year, so whether you’re getting nervous about going back, you’re not the first, and you won’t be the last! How do we deal with the back-to-school dread? We prepare. If you set yourself up for success at the very beginning, you can help curb your anxiety and maybe even get a little bit excited about jumping into the new school year.

Ways to Reduce and Calm Anxiety When Prepping for School

1. Get (and use) a planner. Having a single place where you can make notes and keep track of your schedule is an incredible tool for any student, especially those with anxiety. With a planner, you don’t have to stress about magically remembering every single thing the semester throws at you. All you have to do is open your planner and read your notes. Have that planner out on your desk in every class, open while you’re doing homework, and easily handy wherever you go. If something comes up that sounds important or has a specific deadline or requirement, write it down immediately. You’ll be glad you did later. This doesn’t have to be a chore! Have fun with it. Get a cute one with a pattern you love or find a blank notebook and make it your own. Use colorful pens or keep it simple with a pencil. Whatever suits your aesthetic! Some high schools and colleges actually make and sell planners that are personalized to their semester schedule, which can be really helpful in knowing when important school events or holidays are going to be. Whatever you choose, get a planner, and use that planner every day. 

2. Collect all your syllabi, read them carefully, and write the major deadlines in your planner. That first week of school is always info dump, which can be mind-numbing and intimidating. Fear not! Most teachers give out a paper syllabus or post one online that defines their expectations for the semester. Gather up all those packets, sit down with a cup of coffee and your planner, and study. Make notes of what your teachers expect of you, and write down anything that seems important. This should make you feel like you’re an expert student, which will be true because you’re officially more prepared for the class than 75% of the other students.

3. Meet all your teachers, and maybe even get to know them. Deep breaths. You can do it. Just walk up to them at the beginning or end of class one day and say, “Hi, my name is ___, and I just wanted to introduce myself to you personally. Looking forward to your class. Have a nice day!” Breaking that ice at the beginning of the year will make it so much easier to approach them if you have a question or need help later. Take it a step further and visit them during their office hours every once in a while! Having a healthy relationship with your teacher can do wonders for classroom anxiety and school jitters down the road.

4. Create a morning routine. Sometimes the hard part is just getting to school in one piece. Use that planner again, and write down a list of 5 things you do every morning before school so that when your alarm clock goes off tomorrow morning, you don’t have to decide--you just know that you’re going to wake up, go for a 20-minute run, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast and walk out the door, all while listening to your favorite podcast. Make sure this routine involves something you enjoy, even if you hate waking up. Starting the day with something easy and just for you can get you ready to handle whatever comes your way.

5. Have a plan for when those anxious feelings hit you. No matter how much you prepare, anxiety comes in waves. Instead of being surprised when it visits you, create a calming routine for when you feel those nerves rushing to the front of your mind. Write this plan down (in your handy dandy planner) and flip to that page when the time comes. Maybe your plan is to breathe, stretch, drink water, call or text a friend, remind yourself of some important truths, or take a quick walk around the block. Whatever it is, give yourself permission to practice it when you need to, whether you’re in the middle of class or at the library.

6. Rely on your support system. You’re not alone. If you have friends you can trust to support you when you’re anxious, talk to them about when you feel you need the most support. Would a “Good morning! You’ve got this!” text help you get your day started? Ask for one! You may also have access to a counselor through your school or be able to talk to your doctor about ways to mitigate extreme anxiety. Don’t feel the need to hide or bottle these anxious thoughts, and don’t be afraid to ask for help from those who are available to support you.

7. Create an “end of the school day” routine. You just walked out of your last class. You did it. You made it through the day. That bubble of anxiety has popped, and it’s time to wind down. Just like you need some time to yourself in the morning, you deserve a moment to breathe at the end of the day. Maybe you and your besties head to Starbucks for an hour. Maybe you go to the gym and listen to all your new Spotify recommendations. Maybe you go to your room and take a nap before you get started on your homework. Whatever it is, make it something you can look forward to each day, and don’t forget… write it in your planner!

8. Plan fun activities for the first few weekends. Having plans for the weekend is an amazing way to motivate yourself through the worst anxiety days! Don’t slog through a tough week of school and then stew in your dread about the next week for all of Saturday and Sunday. Do something you’ll enjoy! Check out the local farmers or artists' markets in your town. See a new movie. Invite people over to watch your favorite sports team or play a nerdy game together. Knowing that good times are always ahead, you’ll feel less trapped by the ever-present school stress and more able to let school be a neutral part of your life.

School Anxiety Is Real But Not Permanent

The most important thing to remember when you’re overwhelmed with academic or social anxiety is that you’re not alone. Look around the room you’re in, and it’s almost guaranteed that more than a few of your classmates are experiencing similar worries. Take a deep breath. Remember your plan for these anxious moments, and go through the motions of that routine. If you’ve tried these tips for making the new school year a little less stressful and still aren’t feeling confident, reach out to us at TheHopeLine! Any of our coaches would be happy to chat with you about strategies and resources for helping you face the stress of starting school.

For more on coping with stress and anxiety, watch this personal video story by our friend Karissa: "Mental Health: How I Cope with Anxiety"

First things first: if you’ve found yourself reading this article because you’re cruising the internet looking for help, welcome. Sex is complicated, and if you’re trying to figure out some of those complications right now, it’s really important that you know you’re not alone! When it comes to sex, there are safe and unsafe ways to practice it, healthy and unhealthy ways to engage in it, and lots of differing opinions on what those things mean. When you’re trying to figure all of that out for yourself, it can be overwhelming, even scary, especially if you feel like you’re experiencing some kind of sex-related problem.

Sometimes, the fact that sex is even on your mind in the first place feels like the problem, especially if it’s the only thing on your mind. If you find yourself constantly thinking about or engaging in sex acts, you might be worried that you have a sex addiction. But is sex addiction even a thing? Like many activities, it’s important to remember that sex in and of itself is neither good nor bad. It’s a natural part of our lives as humans, and when conducted in healthy ways, it can be a part of a healthy life. When it crosses over into unhealthy territory, however, there are risks. Sex addiction is one of those unhealthy territories.

What to Know About Sex Addiction

What Is Sex Addiction?

First of all, sex addiction is not actually recognized in the DSM-V as its own mental disorder. Many scientists are still not convinced that it’s definable enough to be considered an illness in its own right. There are, however, plenty of scientists that link hypersexuality or addictive sex behaviors to other addictions or disorders as a leading symptom. If you think you might be struggling with a sex addiction, it’s important to identify and understand your symptoms so that you can seek help and support as you look into the source or underlying issue that’s causing your addictive behavior. Some signs to be aware of are:

• Sex, thoughts of sex, and use of porn dominate your life so much that you’re missing out on other activities such as school, work, or gatherings with family and friends.
• You’re willing to pursue sex at the risk of your personal safety, health, and treasured relationships, whether that means engaging in dangerous activities, practicing unprotected sex, or cheating on a partner or spouse.
• Your pursuit of sex-related activities is mixed with feelings of anxiety, shame, depression, and regret.

The key here is that there is usually no real sense of fulfillment in committing the addictive acts, just a cycle of shame and guilt, constantly repeating the same behaviors even though you know there will be a negative consequence.

What To Do If This Sounds Like You

Like any addiction or compulsive behavior, this condition boils down to brain chemistry and low self-esteem. The very first thing you need to do is get help. Talking with a professional about the details of your addictive behaviors, as uncomfortable as that might sound, is the only way to thoroughly and correctly diagnose what’s going on. They can help you figure out whether you’re also dealing with love addiction or a number of other mental illnesses that could be driving your need for false intimacy and physical release.

A professional can also recommend treatment, whether that be medication, talk therapy, or a combination of the two to help you heal from self-hatred and retrain your brain to become less dependent on the chemical rewards it gets from engaging in unhealthy sex activities. Tell your trusted friends and family members and let them show you the love they’re probably dying to give you.

Finding a support group where others who struggle with sex addiction can also be a huge source of comfort and make it easier to talk about something you’ve been hiding. It’s always healing to know that you aren’t alone on your journey and to walk alongside someone who understands your story. We also have several partner organizations you can check out, such as Captivesfree and XXXChurch, or you can ask your counselor for recommendations.

You Are Not Your Addiction

It bears repeating that feelings of regret and shame are key symptoms of sex addiction. If you find yourself struggling to keep your head above water because of those thoughts, please know that you are not defined by your mistakes. Whether you’ve had an unhealthy relationship with sex in the past, or you’re actively engaging in addictive behaviors today, your worth as a person is a completely separate thing from the regret and shame you feel about these activities. You are not your addiction. You are not your mistakes. You are not broken, dirty, or used up. 

You are a unique treasure, created in the image of the divine, and carrying a soul capable of more love, joy, and peace than you could ever imagine. Jesus makes it very clear that a person’s mistakes do not impact how beautiful and worthy you are of love and redemption—he hung out with everyone, from shepherds and tax collectors, to prostitutes and politicians. He treats everyone as a precious child of God, and that includes you. Reach out to TheHopeLine if you’re wondering how to connect with the way Christ sees you, because living one more second in that pit of regret and shame is not what you deserve. You deserve love! Plain and simple.

If you are fighting an addiction to pornography, you are not alone... Read 7 Steps Towards a Porn-Free Life for help.

-Jen DeJong