Posts by TheHopeLine Team

How to Handle Loneliness in Marriage

Helpful Advice for Marriage Loneliness

On the day you got married, it likely seemed like you and your partner would always make each other happy. But emotions are complicated, and difficult feelings surface in marriage in unexpected ways. Take this message I got recently:

"We have been married for a year and a half, and I love my husband very much. But, even with all the time we spend together, I still feel lonely in my marriage. I guess I thought that the decision to spend our lives together would have an impact on that, but loneliness still nags at me. What can I do to feel less lonely as a married person?"

I really appreciate the honesty of anyone willing to ask about, and deal with, marriage loneliness. If you feel lonely in marriage, you're not the only one. I read an article where about 30% of people surveyed felt lonely, even though they were married. But there's good news: there are practical steps you can take to address and heal from loneliness in a marriage. Here are some things I have found helpful, and I hope they help you, too.

Understand What Loneliness Is (And isn't)

Many people think of loneliness as being alone. But that's not the case. Perhaps you can think of a time when you were by yourself, enjoying a place or activity you love, and feeling content. Loneliness isn't a lack of people, it's a lack of connection.

So, to understand how to deal with loneliness in a marriage, we have to remember that in order to get to the bottom of things more readily:

• Do you feel less connected with friends? 
• Do you feel less connected with your spouse?
• Do you feel less connected with part of yourself, or with something you used to enjoy doing?
• Did you lose someone close to you, and are you grieving that loss of connection?

Answering these questions helps pin down the source of loneliness, which can help you make a plan to address and alleviate it more completely.

Talk to Your Spouse About Loneliness

Once you've had time and space to think through why you feel lonely in your marriage, you can talk to your spouse about it in a way that shares how you're hurting, or what you feel is missing, without lashing out or blaming your spouse for a problem or challenge. Even if something they did or said contributed to a lack of connection, it will do more harm than good to talk about it in an accusing way.

You could say something like:

• "I haven't been feeling as connected to you lately. Let's spend some special time together."
• "I've really been missing a friend of mine. Is there a night next week I can plan a dinner with her?"
• "I've been thinking about how much I miss painting. Can you help me set up an easel in the garage?"
• "It's been hard for me to connect with people since my grandfather died. Can we talk about him for a while?"

This opens up the conversation, instead of turning it into a conflict and closing it down. As you're talking, don't forget to ask your spouse if they feel lonely, too. There may be an opportunity for each of you to learn how to better connect with one another.

Discover Your Love Languages

Have you ever heard of Gary Chapman's book, The 5 Love Languages? Our love language refers to how we give love, and the forms of love that are most powerful to us. Sometimes, when couples are missing out on a sense of connection, it helps to think about what your love languages are. The two of you may have very different ways of expressing and receiving love. So, it is important to understand what communicates love to your spouse. It is likely that you both give and receive love in primarily one of the following ways:

• Quality Time: Spending quality time means being intentional about your time together, unplugging from distractions, and focusing on one another. 
• Words of Affirmation: Encouraging, kind words can really make a difference in how connected we feel to our spouse.
• Physical Touch: Romance, intimacy, and physical touch are an important part of healthy marriages.
• Acts of Service: Doing something to help your spouse, whether it's a chore, an errand, or a meal, can relieve their stress and help them feel more connected to you. 
• Gift-Giving: Being surprised by even a small gift is a thoughtful way to reconnect with your spouse.

As you talk through these with your partner, think of ways you can practice them in your marriage. As you make efforts to express your love in new ways, don't forget to show gratitude for one another.

Let Go of the Need to Be "Everything"

One of the unrealistic expectations society, media, books, and movies can give us about marriage is that we have to be everything for our spouse, and vice versa. But the truth is, perfection is impossible. And none of us can be everything for anybody. 

These unhealthy expectations are a common factor in marriage loneliness. But that can resolve itself with acceptance that you don't have to be perfect for one another, and with reminders that other relationships are still in our lives to help us in ways our partner may not be able to.

It's also important to remember that you are not abnormal, and your marriage is not failing if you feel lonely or disconnected because you and your partner are not fulfilling one another's lofty expectations. While we were all created for loving relationships, people are human, and those relationships will occasionally fall short and let us down. 

In those moments, I find hope in remembering that God’s love will never let me down. God’s love is perfect unlike human love. When I truly believe in Him and trust that He cares for me and is watching over me, I find great peace. I can also ask Him to give me the clarity and strength I need to deal with marriage challenges.

Keep Other Relationships Strong

Sometimes, we are so excited to be with our spouse that we can end up in a bit of a "bubble". If you've noticed that you're spending all your free time with your partner, that may be part of the reason you feel lonely. It may not be that you've lost a sense of connection to your spouse, but that you feel less connected to others. You can try things like:

• Having a phone or video call with your friends or family
• Send them cards or letters to let them know you're thinking about them
• Planning a group dinner with your spouse and a couple of your close friends or family members

Whatever you can do to strengthen friendships and family relationships, it will take the pressure off the relationship with your spouse and will help you both feel less lonely and disconnected.

I know marriage challenges can be unexpected, especially if you've had a good marriage up to this point. Marriage loneliness can be tough, but it's nothing that can't be overcome. 

TheHopeLine has HopeCoaches trained to talk you through common ups and downs in your marriage. If you're feeling lonely in marriage, talk to a HopeCoach today. We are here to listen, and we have faith that your marriage will continue to grow stronger.

If you're looking for a deeper relationship in your marriage, sometimes a mindset shift is needed. Read about these are 3 mindset shifts here. 

Eating Issues Manifest in Many Different Ways

Perhaps caring friends or family members are expressing concern about the way you eat. If you are completely honest with yourself, deep down inside you sense that something is wrong (although it is very common for those struggling with disordered eating to be in denial).

Eating issues can manifest themselves in many different ways, but there are two extremes: Some people are living on the obsessive side, such as constantly worrying about their weight, meticulously counting calories, compulsively exercising and/or living in fear of eating the wrong thing. Other people struggle with chaotic, out-of-control eating — especially in response to stress or emotional upset – and/or lack any structure or regularity of meals. Many people fall somewhere in between, leaning one way or the other, while others swing back and forth between the two extremes such as with yo-yo dieting. Does any of this sound familiar? If so, read on.
To start, let’s clarify some terminology.

How to Manage an Eating Disorder

What is an “Eating Disorder?”

An “Eating Disorder” refers to a medical diagnosis based on a very specific set of criteria. Examples include Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder and Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID). There is also a lesser-known category called “OSFED,” which stands for Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder (formerly EDNOS or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). Although a person struggling with OSFED does not meet the full diagnostic criteria for other eating disorders, it is still a serious issue requiring professional attention. If you haven’t already done so, check out our article “What is OSFED (EDNOS)?” to learn more.

What is “Disordered Eating?”

While the term “eating disorder” refers to a medical diagnosis, the term “disordered eating” refers to a type of behavior. Disordered eating behaviors include out-of-control eating (such as stress eating and emotional eating), weight preoccupation, pathological dieting, bingeing, purging, compulsive exercise and health food obsessions.

The causes of disordered eating are complex. Here are some of them:

• Psychological – feelings of inadequacy or lack of control in life, depression, anxiety
• Interpersonal – troubled relationships, difficulty expressing emotions, history of teasing or abuse, family pressures
• Social – cultural emphasis on appearance, thinness, and perfection
• Biological – a genetic predisposition (runs in families)

Disordered eating practices can range from mild to severe. These behaviors may fit part of the criteria for an eating disorder diagnosis or they may signal an eating issue that is not medically diagnosable. It’s a matter of degree. Engaging in fewer and/or milder behaviors, however, can eventually lead to the development of a full-blown eating disorder. If you have children, or plan to, modeling these unhealthy practices can put them at risk for developing an eating disorder in the future.

Some eating issues that are not categorized as eating disorders have been defined and named. Examples include:

• Orthorexia – going to extremes in pursuit of a “healthy” diet
• Bigorexia – obsession with increased muscle development (also called muscle dysmorphic disorder)
• Diabulima – persons with Type I diabetes who lower insulin doses in order to lose weight
• Chewing and Spitting – avoidance of swallowing certain foods in an attempt to control weight

Even if your disordered eating practices don’t place you in a defined category, they are taking a toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Disordered eating of any kind interferes with daily functioning – preventing joy, peace and God’s best for your life.

A Wide Range of Behaviors

Disordered eating includes a wide range of behaviors. Here are some specific examples, but this is by no means a comprehensive listing.

• You’re always on a diet, always coming off a diet, or always getting ready to go on one again (chronic dieting).
• You categorize foods as “safe” versus “off-limits.”
• You skip meals or eat very little to try to control your weight, whether daily or intermittently.
• You are obsessed with exercising and follow an excessive or rigid routine.
• You are obsessed with eating only “pure,” natural, raw and/or organic foods.
• You binge and/or purge sometimes. You substitute supplements and fad diets for real food.
• You skip social occasions because you feel fat, or because you are afraid of what’s being served, even if your weight is normal.
• You eat large amounts of foods in secret and hide the evidence.
• You overeat to meet non-physical needs such as: to medicate, comfort, distract, companion, reward or punish yourself.
• You restrict eating to feel in control, distract or punish.
• You refuse to eat regular meals, choosing instead to ‘nibble’ throughout the day on small portions of food (which usually leads to bingeing).
• You weigh yourself multiple times a day.
• You believe that everyone is as focused on your weight as you are.
• You are preoccupied with your body shape.

Each practice in the above list is considered a disordered eating behavior. For many disordered eaters, self-worth is based on body shape and weight. The underlying fears, shame and preoccupations interfere with personal relationships and lead to social isolation. Perhaps you engage in one or several of the behaviors. Even if you don’t meet the full criteria for an eating disorder, this is not how God intended for us to live.

A Common Struggle

Many people struggle with disordered eating practices. Eating issues are so pervasive in our society that it is easy to start to believe they are normal. But that is far from the truth.

The following facts and figures reinforce the widespread problem of disordered eating and body image concerns:
1. 3/4 of women have some sort of eating issue.
2. As many as 66% of women and 52% of men report feelings of dissatisfaction or inadequacy regarding their weight.
3. 35% of dieters in the US engage in “Pathological Dieting”.
4. The body-mass index for most Miss America winners in the past 3 decades lies within the range of under-nutrition.
5. ¾ of women whose weights fall in the “normal” range feel too fat and wish to lose weight, desiring on average to weigh only slightly more than weights in the Anorexia Nervosa range.
6. Sub-Clinical disorders are documented as being the most common type of disordered eating among college women.
7. Nearly 3 out of 4 adolescent girls have been or are currently dieting.
8. Athletes with higher levels of weight and diet concerns also show higher levels of neuroticism and lower levels of emotional “well-being” and stability.
9. Sub-Clinical eating disorders often lead to the development of more serious, clinical eating disorders.
10. In addition to early onset during childhood, adolescence and first independence, eating disorders are often developed later in life, triggered by age-related weight gain, as well as life events such as marriage, pregnancy, and loss of a loved one.
11. 95% of dieters suffer from “weight cycling” (losing, regaining and even gaining additional pounds).

Some professionals estimate that as many as four out of five people engage in some type of disordered eating. This suggests that only one out of five people have a truly healthy relationship with food — enjoying meals and eating for physical (not emotional or psychological) reasons, without obsessing about weight, worrying about calories, trying to eat perfectly or feeling powerless over food.

What to Do?

Whether you qualify for an eating disorder diagnosis or not, it’s time to break free from your eating issues and learn to live in a healthier, balanced way — neither obsessing about food nor feeling out of control. Below are some steps to take.

• Take the Check In from FINDINGbalance to get a better sense of your eating issue(s).
• Find someone to talk to who can offer objective and balanced advice, addressing the physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual aspects of your issues. For tips on who to talk to, read the “Finding Treatment” article.
• Explore their “Prayer Support Page”, which offers support through the power of prayer and encouragement. Whatever you're going through, you're not alone.
• Check out Finding Balance's “Books” and“Podcast” sections to find resources that apply directly to your unique struggle.
• Seek community and support.
• Consider taking Finding Balance's Lasting Freedom self-study courses (not a replacement for one-on-one care with a professional).

The Bottom Line:

Struggling with disordered eating, no matter how extreme, steals from your life. It promises happiness, control, acceptance, affirmation, and security, but these promises are false. Only by breaking free of your eating issue will you experience the life you crave. Take a step towards freedom now.

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Heb. 4:16 (ESV)

This blog was originally published here. It is being republished with permission from our friends at FINDINGbalance.

Want to know more about eating disorders? Download TheHopeLine's free guide today. 

Trying to understand the opposite sex can be a frustrating experience. There is an undeniable desire for a strong connection between a guy and a girl. Yet oftentimes it seems like there is a huge gap between the two of them.

This gap has caused confusion, awkwardness, frustration, hurt feelings and many a sleepless night. I have been asked hundreds of questions about dating over the years. Here are four questions that both guys and girls alike seem to struggle with ranging from jealousy to long-distance relationships to keeping relationships alive.

Why do People Get Jealous?

Jealousy is the kind of emotional disease that strikes both sexes.

Stephen asked: “Why does my girlfriend get so jealous when I talk to other girls?”

Kayla asked: “Why does my boyfriend get jealous when I’m just talking to other guys?

The root of most jealousy is insecurity.  Most often people get jealous because they lack the confidence to believe that they are good enough for their partner. So they are continually suspicious and tend to overreact to the slightest things.

So, What Can you do?

Do your part to not give them reasons to feel jealous. While it is not wrong to talk to friends of the opposite sex when you are dating, if it causes your boyfriend or girlfriend to be jealous, it might be good to examine how you talk to them. If someone is flirting with you, you can still be polite, but you don’t have to flirt back. You shouldn’t make special efforts to impress other people of the opposite sex while you are dating.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend does react jealously to something you do, address it soon after it happens. It’s always good to seek clarity when something comes up that’s a threat to your relationship. Assure them that they are the only person you are interested in and encourage them by telling them why you have chosen them. Then demonstrate your commitment in how you treat them.

This will help build their trust and self-esteem.

As they grow to understand how much they mean to you, they will naturally begin to trust you.

How Can I Keep Our Relationship Alive?

The beginning of a new relationship can be so exciting.  You get butterflies. You are learning new things about each other every time you are together. You can’t stop thinking about them.  But the reality is the butterflies won’t last forever.
Paul asked: “Do girls get bored in a relationship? My girlfriend used to be all flirty and into me, but now that we’ve been going out for a while, that’s all stopped. Is that normal?”

The situation you are in, Paul, could be a result of a couple of issues. First, it is normal for flirting to die down gradually after being in a relationship for a while. Flirting is usually a tool to get into a relationship, rather than to maintain it. Most relationships grow past that stage as the two people get to know each other better.

Perhaps you have never been in a relationship that has moved past this flirty stage. Don’t assume she’s not interested in you. Perhaps she is just more comfortable now.

However, perhaps you are right and she is getting bored. So have a talk with your girlfriend. Ask her what she’s really feeling. Have you let the relationship become predictable and boring?

Don’t Get Stuck in a Rut

It takes some work to keep a relationship fresh and interesting. This is true whether you are married or just dating. It’s so easy to get stuck doing the same things over and over. Most people spend most of their free time on the couch in front of the television and call it a life. They lose sight of the fact there are so many different and exciting options of how to spend their time.

This is why people are sometimes drawn to other people outside of their dating relationship. New people are more interesting. Once you get to know someone and all their faults, the excitement can fade and the relationship can get stuck in a rut!  Then sometimes the desire for something or someone more interesting, kicks in.

Ideas to Keep Your Relationship Interesting

But you don’t have to get stuck in a rut! There are so many things you can do together to breathe new life into what might currently feel boring.

You might want to surprise your girlfriend by going with her to new places, experiencing new things, and talking about interesting topics. Spend time with other people, and find out what they enjoy doing. Take up a hobby or volunteer together. Just remember, any successful relationship takes effort from both people.

Can a Long-Distance Relationship Work Out?

There is no black and white answer to this question, but I do have some tips.

Ben asked: I have a girlfriend who lives about 120 miles from me. Will this work out? We already say that we love each other. I’d love to know what you think.

To begin with, Ben, there are a lot of people who tell each other they love each other, and then break up the next week. So just because you say you love each other, doesn’t determine whether or not you will be successful in a long-distance relationship.
There have been many long-distance relationships that have been very successful. But there have been many, many more that haven’t lasted. There is no question it will be difficult for both of you.

Challenges of Long-Distance Relationships

I’d be curious if your separation is temporary or long-term. If it’s temporary, you’ll need to be committed to keeping in contact with each other. Long-term separation is much harder because many of the best parts of a relationship come out of time when you’re able to be together.

On the flip side, being apart makes it possible to hide some of the weaknesses each of you would bring into a face-to-face, everyday relationship. It is much easier to only show your good side to the other person across the miles and that’s not realistic.
Long-distance relationships can also be driven by fantasies about how great the relationship would be if you could just be together, but you need to actually be together to know if you could really work long-term.

Find Time to Be Together

You will need to see each other in person from time to time in order to help keep the relationship moving forward. If you can, make plans to see each as often as possible. But more than anything, communicate the expectations you have for the relationship with each other so you’re both on the same page.

Is it True Love When It Hurts?

Ashlee asks a good question, but the answer requires us to look at WHY it hurts.

Ashlee asked: Is it truly love when you will do anything for the person you care about even when it hurts you in the process?

There are two ways to answer this question depending on how the person you love, loves you in return.

First, if you are in a relationship that is mutually caring, supportive and you both work to put the others needs before your own, then real love would be willing to make sacrifices for the other. God showed us the ultimate example of this kind of love. In the Bible Jesus says, “Love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:12-13

However, if the one you think you love is demanding things that hurt you or violate your own value system, the answer is no, love should not hurt you. Love gives, it does not take. Love heals, it does not hurt. Love builds up the other person, does not tear them down.

Why do I put up with it?

If you are in this type of relationships, you’re probably wondering why it is that you’re doing what you’re doing…why are you putting up with hurtful behavior from your boyfriend, and still calling it love?

Unfortunately, many stuck in selfish and destructive relationships have never had real love shown to them. Many of us are so hungry for attention or what we feel is love, we are willing to do anything, or put up with anything in order to get what we think is love.

There are times when the person who is demanding we violate our own value system simply to please themselves, will show signs of changing, or even glimpses they really care about the other person. This is what makes it so confusing. The person being hurt thinks if they just love their partner more…then they will stop the hurting. Unfortunately, this rarely happens. Besides, this isn’t love, no matter how much you feel it is.

If you find yourself doing things with your bf/gf that violate your own value system, get out of the relationship. You need to protect yourself.  Talk to someone you can trust about what’s happening in the relationship and let them help you get free. You can read more about what is an abusive dating relationship here.

My Story With Anxiety

I Felt Alone

I've been using this website for almost a year now, and honestly it's like the little therapy I need.

No prescriptions, no one is writing down anything or judging me on what I say, I just get to speak. Living with an anxiety disorder (and one as complex as mine) you just have to learn to keep your mouth shut and keep everything bottled up inside because the second you let it out you're labeled as "crazy" or "out of control," it was to the point that if I cried, people worried about me.

I felt alone, pushed into a corner and hid by my family. Many things caused my anxiety disorder, and a lot of it has to do with a chemical imbalance that I just can't simply help. I can take medicine, but it's not guaranteed to work. All of the HopeCoaches I've come across on the website have seemed to be Christians, and at the time I was an atheist. I didn't believe in God and I didn't want to.

I Wasn't Labeled Broken

Then I met Megan (the HopeCoach who saved my life) who asked if she could pray with me. Of course, I said yes, and while she was typing I had decided I would just look away and respond thanks. But instead of being my normal stubborn self, I took the time to read what she had written. Nothing in that prayer said "God fix her" "God she is broken."  Megan never once labeled me anything less than God's daughter and her sister. And I have felt an overwhelming joy in my heart ever since that day.

No Longer Hiding My Anxiety

I am now an active member in my church, my anxiety is still present, but I no longer feel the need to hide it. I have more support than I could have ever dreamed of having and it is all thanks to Megan. So Megan, if you read this, you know what you and I talked about, what I confessed to you, and you know that special prayer you wrote just for me. I love you with all of my heart, and I don't even know you. I owe you my life.
-Shelby

For information on how to understand the causes of anxiety and social anxiety disorders and how to deal with them, download TheHopeLine’s free eBook.

Am I Dating a Narcissist?

Understanding the Signs of Narcissism and How They Affect You

We all struggle with being selfish from time to time, and we all want attention, affection, and praise. But someone who is narcissistic takes these traits to an unhealthy level. Narcissism is a difficult mental illness to diagnose and treat, because the narcissist themselves may not believe anything is wrong with how they are thinking and acting. 

Having a relationship with a narcissist is not impossible, but because it is so difficult, you will likely feel healthier distancing yourself from narcissistic people. Knowing the signs of narcissism and understanding its impact in relationships might keep you from getting trapped in a toxic relationship. 

If you are trying to understand whether or not you love a narcissist, pay attention to how the relationship makes you feel, and to their patterns of behavior. Here are some things to look for if you are wondering whether the person you love is a narcissist.

They Demand Praise

Desiring praise from people we care about is normal and talking about that need is a good thing to do. But when you're loving a narcissist, this gets twisted. You might notice that:

• They demand praise for everything, no matter how small.
• You feel like you can never disagree with or criticize them.
• When they don't believe they've received enough praise, they lash out.
• Their need for praise and attention seems constant.
• Compared to how often you praise them or give them attention, they rarely do the same for you.

This imbalance is a tough thing to live with. Since it feels like most narcissists always take and rarely give, many people don't stay in narcissistic relationships long-term.

They Drain You

As I've talked to people that come to TheHopeLine, I've noticed that people in relationships with narcissists often feel drained and exhausted. That's common in many unhealthy relationships, but it's particularly strong when you love a narcissist.  If you are the one who is always told you have to give, always told you have to change, and always told you have to work harder, of course the relationship will be off-balance and exhausting. 

You probably even start to dread getting their calls or spending time with them, because you have the sense that you never know what time, energy, or resources you'll have to give up next. On top of that, since they usually don't recognize when they're in the wrong, it may feel like there is no relief in sight. You can make choices to take care of yourself, and to make sure your needs get met. But those choices will likely include distancing yourself from the narcissistic person.

They Blame Everyone Else

Narcissists either cannot see, or refuse to see, their role in a relationship problem, fight, argument, or tough life situation. The narcissist you love will do things like:

• Blame their outbursts on a bad childhood, or someone else's failure in a previous relationship.
• Focus on your shortcomings, almost exclusively.
• Claim that no one understands them.
• Feel that everyone is out to get them.
• Make you feel forced to do the majority (or all) of the changing and "making up" after an argument or fight.

I want to remind you that relationships have two people in them. That means that, no matter what a narcissistic person says, they are not without blame. In fact, they are probably starting the majority of the conflicts you have due to their aggressive behavior. 
You are only able to fix things you want to change about yourself. You cannot force a narcissistic person to take responsibility for their actions, or force the relationship to work. They have to be willing to put in the effort, too. 

They Have Addictions

Narcissists very often live with addiction and substance abuse. They may be trying to hide or numb the pain of abuse they experienced. Or they may be chasing the pleasurable "highs" of addiction, which may make them feel "on top of the world", invincible, or in greater control of their lives and the relationships in them. Addiction adds another layer of struggle and frustration if you love a narcissist because:

• They become more aggressive and more difficult to deal with when they are using. 
• They blow up when you try to ask them to get help and blame you for "hurting them" with that request.
• They do not believe the addiction is something they can change or control. 
• They use the difficulty of the addiction, and the circumstances they blame for it, to get you to pity them.
• When they are demanding your pity, they will also continue to demand praise, attention, and affection.

It is hard to witness someone you care about enmeshed in an addiction. If they are seeking treatment, there are ways to support them without enabling their addictive behavior. But if they are not seeking treatment, don’t want treatment, or flatly refuse they have a problem, there is not much you can do to heal your relationship until they change their mind. 

Their Affection Is Rare and Intense

The reason you are still in a relationship with a narcissistic person, even after all the painful ups and downs they put you through, is probably because of their rare, intense bursts of affection for you. 

They might call you, their soulmate. They might say that they've never met anyone like you or tell you that it's the two of you against the world. While it is not impossible for a narcissist to be kind, I've learned from my years of counseling people that this kindness is often used as a tool to isolate and control. Does the person you're in a relationship with:

• Say these intensely affectionate things to you after you've hinted about leaving the relationship?
• Try to prevent you from being with friends and family because "they don't understand me or our relationship"?
• Lavish attention and affection after a fight or argument, but still refuse to apologize or admit wrongdoing?

If so, they are using this rare affection to try to maintain control in your relationship. It's really difficult to realize this is the case, and my heart goes out to you. But I also believe that people are worthy of mutually loving and caring relationships that don't feel forced, don't feel like an uphill battle, aren't manipulative and controlling, and aren't one-sided. 

In fact, I believe God loves you unconditionally, and that He created you for a full life with meaningful relationships. I believe He will never abandon you. You can take the pain of your relationships to him in prayer, and He will comfort you. He has also given you other relationships and friendships that will not cause you so much pain, frustration, and suffering.

It will be difficult to end your relationship with a narcissist, or to put a lot more distance there (if it's a friendship or parent relationship that you want to try keeping in your life). But there are plenty of other people who want healthy friendships and relationships, and who will put in the time and effort to make things work.

You Feel Stuck in a Cycle

If you take a step back from your relationship with a narcissistic person, you will notice that what seems like a lot of ups and downs, or a lot of "hot and cold" behavior is actually a cycle of abuse. The reason a narcissistic person will "love bomb" you is that they're attempting to keep you in the relationship, so they will still have somewhere to put blame, and someone from whom they can demand praise. 

And unless they are willing to see their wrongdoing and actively seek help, including being willing to separate themselves from you in order for you to heal, or for them to get the help they need, this dynamic will not change. But there is hope for you to break free. TheHopeLine has partnered with many abuse recovery organizations that have experience helping people heal after narcissistic abuse. And our HopeCoaches are trained to listen and help you find a path forward. 

Talk to a HopeCoach today about finding safety and freedom from the narcissist in your life. We are here to help, and we believe you can do what you need to do to care for yourself.

If you were raised by a narcissist, you're not damaged goods. Healing after narcissistic abuse from the person who raised you is possible. Find out how here. 

How to Know if a Guy Likes You

Does He Like Me?

Let’s face it, understanding the opposite sex can be confusing. The way males and females think about things and process things is just different. It’s not that one way is right and the other wrong. Just different.

I have enjoyed answering questions that were submitted to me about dating because the more we learn about the opposite sex, the more understanding we will have and the better our relationships will be.

The questions I answer here all have to do with how a guy thinks. How can you tell if he’s just not that into you? Why is it so hard for him to understand your feelings? Why don’t guys do the little things that make you happy? How might a guy act if he likes you?

I will attempt to answer these questions here.

How to Know if He’s Just Not That into You?

There was a movie a while back about relationships (based on a popular book) called He’s Just Not That into You. I didn’t see it, but the bottom line of the story is that men are not complicated.

If he doesn’t ask you out, call you soon after a date, or want to spend more time with you after a date, then “he’s just not that into you.”

These words can be harsh for a woman to hear. However, the words can also be very freeing. You are then free to move on, and not waste your time with someone who’s not into you.

Why is my boyfriend clueless about how I feel?

Communication can be difficult. It can feel like you just can’t express what you are feeling in a way that your boyfriend will understand. That’s what Ashely was struggling with.

Ashley asked: Why does my boyfriend have no clue how I feel at all? It is hard to explain to him how I feel. I don’t tell him how I feel anymore since he doesn’t seem to understand anyway. I might as well give up.

Ashely, I wouldn’t give up just yet.

Emotional communication can be very difficult. Plus, men are wired differently than women, especially when it comes to feelings. If you want him to know how you’re feeling, it would be best to keep it as simple as possible. Guys can feel like girls use too many words when they talk about their feelings because guys have relatively short emotional attention spans and often do not have the verbal skills of most women. The language you use when you talk about emotions might even seem like a foreign language to him. Be patient with him.

What’s important to look for is whether or not he shows he cares about you in other ways? If he doesn’t do anything to show he cares, it might be because he actually doesn’t care about anyone except for himself and that’s a sign it’s time to move on.

However, if he does make you feel cared for in other ways, this may just be a small bump in the road you need to work through.

Don’t stop communicating. Keep trying different ways to express yourself and be patient.

Why Doesn’t He Do the Simple Things that Make Me Happy?

Jamie Ann asked: How come guys don’t know how to make a girl happy? Guys don’t understand that it doesn’t take that much work to make girls happy. A simple goodnight text right before you go to sleep makes us feel special. An occasional note left on the windshield of our car would completely make our day and put the BIGGEST smile on our faces.

Not every guy is the same. But most guys do not understand how much simple little gestures of kindness mean to a girl. It is something they must learn and desire to apply to their lives.

Put another way, simple gestures of thoughtfulness just escape them. It’s not that they don’t want to make you happy, but for some guys, it just never even crosses their mind that it matters.

Besides, most guys have never been instructed on how to make a girl happy. Usually, a guy learns these things from his father. The problem is many of their fathers are either absent, or never learned themselves. If you’re in a relationship with a guy, you may have to gently tell him some things that would help bring you joy, like the things Jamie Ann referred to in her question.

When he does get it right, let him know how much it means to you. When he doesn’t, don’t go ballistic. It will only drive him away.

You’re probably thinking how it’d be great if he came up with these things on his own, but as you grow in your relationship, you both will learn how to communicate your wants and desires, instead of hoping the other person will read your mind.

How Can You Tell When a Guy Likes You?

Chrissie asked: Why do guys act weird around you when they like you?

It is true most guys act weird, or get nervous, around girls they like. But why do they do this?

Bottom line - Guys hate rejection. They hate to make themselves vulnerable to a girl, and then get shot down. This nervousness or acting weird comes from this place of not knowing exactly how to balance their fear and their excitement, so the guy gets a bit wobbly and tongue-tied.

This is the reason guys will flirt with girls. They will drop hints here and there to see how the girl will react. This way, it’s easier to know what the girl is thinking when he sees how she responds to his flirting.

Don’t judge him too harshly for his awkwardness. And if you are getting the hint that he likes you, be kind and give him a sign to let him know if you like him back.

Here are some other signs he might like you:

• When you talk with him about other people who you are interested in, is he supportive and encouraging or does he become quiet and distant? A friend will be supportive, but someone whose emotions are clouded with the possibility of being in love will tend to have a more emotional response.
• Does he seem to want to spend time only with you or is he okay doing things in groups? A friend is willing to share you with others, but someone who is trying to balance their emotional feelings toward you may tend to be a bit more possessive.

For more questions from girls about dating, check out: Dating Advice for Girls: What Guys Want and Moving Beyond Just Friends. 

How to Know if a Girl Likes You

Does She Like Me?

There are things that guys typically find confusing about girls. I've been asked so many different questions over the years from guys trying to understand girls and vice versa. Today I’m going to answer 3 dating questions that guys have submitted to me. They all have to do with having enough courage to ask a girl out.

How to Know if a Girl Likes You

Understandably this is an area that causes guys a lot of anxiety. Does she like me? This is something every guy wants to know before they dare make a move.

Here’s a question from Jared. How can you tell if a girl wants to be more than a friend if she doesn't tell you?

You're right, Jared, it can be very difficult to know what someone is feeling about you unless they come right out and tell you. I also understand the fear of not wanting to embarrass yourself (or her) by coming out and asking how she feels toward you. It is very difficult to be vulnerable in a healthy way.

Avoid These Two Ditches

We usually fall into one of two ditches, so to speak, when it comes to being open and vulnerable.

The Ditch of Hiding. This describes the person who keeps everything locked inside. They keep all their feelings and thoughts to themselves, as a kind of emotional self-protection...trusting no one. They are safe, but empty.

The Ditch of Over-Sharing. These people immediately express everything they are feeling. They tend to rush into romantic relationships looking for that romantic high. Their actions often end up driving the other person away.

Emotionally, you want to find yourself somewhere in the middle of the road, far from either ditch. If you have a hint the girl, who is your friend, has deeper affection for you, then take it upon yourself to gently and carefully find out. Start by taking an interest in what's going on with the details of her life and see how she responds. If she seems open about sharing her heart with you, that's a sign of trust. Trust is a valuable quality in any relationship.

Good Questions to Ask

You might also want to tell her about a few things like, I really appreciate you. Spending time with you really means a lot to me. I trust you. See how she responds. Sometimes she will say the very same thing back to you, like, I really appreciate you, too. Your friendship is invaluable to me. If this happens, then you have a good indicator that she's probably feeling some of the same emotions you're feeling.

But friend to friend, I want to warn you: Don't start saying things like, I love you, I can't live without you, I need you, or Why don't you text me more. These kinds of words are very emotionally explosive and threatening to a girl. But you will find if you gently, lovingly and openly lead with your own emotions, your friend will in time, respond.

Here's a thought. Why don't you talk with another girl who you can trust, and ask her what you should do? It's always good to get a female's perspective. Take your time with your friend. In the end, given time, the truth always comes out.

Should I Ask a Girl out who Everyone says is “Out of My League”?

We all tend to be persuaded by the opinions of others. Perhaps, to a point we are missing out on a great opportunity.

David asked: I see girls every day I wish I could go out with, but people tell me I don’t have a chance with them. So I don’t know if I should take a risk and overcome my fear and ask out a girl people tell me I don’t have a chance with or if I should play it safe and be miserable?

Thanks for the honesty in your question, David. I have to wonder who these people are that are telling you to not ask out certain girls. Why should you let someone else’s opinion tell you what these girls are thinking? I want to encourage you to be bold and courageous. But let me give you a couple of things to think about first.

Consider what girls find attractive about guys.

Do a little homework before you ask a girl out.  First, learn about what girls find attractive about guys. They love a guy who is confident, courageous, funny, interested in them (but not too interested!), strong, and smart. Women desire a man who will sweep them off their feet and treat them special. You are capable of being and doing all these things.

Find a girl with common interests

It is important to take an interest in girls who you have some things in common with. It is also important how you approach her. Approaching a girl from out of the blue might be a bit too confusing and drive her away. Find some common ground and begin a conversation. Be a good listener. Make her the focus of your conversation. Don’t worry about going out with her until you actually get to know her and discover if she likes spending time with you.

Most guys make the mistake of moving too quickly with a girl. Slow down. She isn’t going anywhere.

In the end, you should never choose to be miserable. Don’t let other people tell you what to do. They may think you’re shooting for the moon, by asking out certain girls, but you can prove to them that it’s never wrong to dream big.

How do you show a girl you care without being creepy?

When you are first telling a girl that you are interested in them, you may be slightly awkward. That is normal. You just don’t want your awkwardness to turn weird.

I think this was the challenge Aaron was facing when he asked: How do I show a girl I care about her, without coming off like a complete creep?

Normal Awkwardness or Stalker

Most guys are driven by their attraction to a girl. When they are, it can be exciting, even exhilarating. But there’s often that underlying fear that they will end up making a fool out of themselves. They can be terrified by the awkward feeling of tripping all over themselves, worried it will cause them to be rejected. However, this is normal awkwardness and can even be endearing.

However, it can turn weird when the girl perceives the guy as lingering a bit too long, standing a bit to close, not being able to make eye contact or spying on her. A girl might think a guy is creepy when he oversteps some personal boundaries and doesn’t appear to respect her space both verbally and physically.

Don’t Appear Desperate

Girls are attracted to guys who act out of quiet confidence, rather than desperation.

Don’t give her presents or tell her you love her before you even know her. Do not come across as desperate to be in a relationship. The less desperate you appear, the better your chances of having a relationship with any girl will be. Be willing to let a relationship happen naturally. Find a point of interest you can connect on. Don’t rush things.

Remember, not every girl is going to be attracted to you. But you don’t need every girl. You just need the one who will love you for who you are. Trust me, she’s out there!

For more questions from guys about dating, check out– Why do Bad Guys Get the Good Girls and other dating questions.

Frequently Asked Questions About Dating

Navigate Dating. Your Questions Answered Here

As you navigate the dating scene, you may have more questions than answers.  We are here to help you make sense of it all. From how to start a dating relationship to what role your friends should play, we’ve got you covered.

How do you get to know someone of the opposite sex?

I believe there’s great value to relationships with the opposite sex, even if you’re simply friends without any of the romantic drama. But there can be things that hold you back from starting these relationships.

Sarah asked: How do you get to know someone of the opposite sex?

Don’t Let Fear Hold You Back

Fear is a powerful emotion. Fear can paralyze you and keep you from going after what you want the most. It can convince you something horrible will happen if you go after what is in your heart. Now, fear that keeps you from the edge of a cliff, or from changing lanes in busy traffic without looking, is a good thing. But fear that keeps you from living the life you desire is not a good thing.

Fear often keeps people from taking the risk of reaching out to become friends with someone of the opposite sex. The core of the issue is often a fear of rejection, thinking once you open up and are vulnerable to any person, then they have the power to either accept or reject you.

Overcoming Fear

To overcome this fear, you need to start from a position of confidence. Not cockiness, but a feeling of confidence in who you are as a person. Many people try to start a relationship with someone because they think it will complete them. It’s not good to think another person will fill in the emptiness inside their heart.

It’s important to know and believe you are worthy of love. And you are! You are loved completely by God. Most people are more deeply loved than they ever realize.

A confident person, who stands up against the fear of rejection, who is willing to reach out to others, will always have plenty of friends of either sex.

Once the Fear is gone…

Once you understand that you are loved and are worthy of love, you can be relaxed around people of the opposite sex because you have nothing to lose. Even if the person you want to get to know rejects you, you can remain confident in knowing you have value!

Once the fear is gone it’s simply a matter of taking an interest in things the other person is interested in, sharing pieces of your life with them, making an effort through kindness to show you are thinking about them, and most importantly, letting time develop the relationship naturally.

Should Friends Control Your Relationships?

This is an important question…do you let your heart, or your friends determine the decisions you make?

John asked: I’m going out with a girl right now, but I like another girl. My girlfriend suspects me, and everyone says that a lot of people will get mad with me if I break up with her. What do I do?

It sounds like you are trying to deal with your true feelings, and not let others tell you what to do. That’s good. Honesty is also very important. So here are some things to consider.

Check your friends’ motives

Sometimes friends are able to see if you’re doing something stupid like getting rid of what they think is a really good girlfriend. Other times, they have their own selfish reasons for you to stay in a certain relationship. It’s good to listen to and weigh the advice of other people but find out why they want you to stay together with your girlfriend. They might have really good reasons, or they might not.

You might feel like you’re trapped in your current relationship, and you’re wondering if there’s a reason to hold on. You should communicate with your current girlfriend about what you’re feeling. Don’t ignore her or just drop her while you fantasize about this new girl. Honesty is always the best policy.

Beware of the Reputation You are Building

It’s also important to consider what kind of reputation you could develop if you start going from one girl to the next. You’ll soon find most girls won’t trust you because you can’t commit because you always jump to the next best thing. A huge part of being in a dating relationship is commitment.

Communicate with your current girlfriend, talk to friends you can trust, and strive to be the most committed, trustworthy boyfriend you can possibly be.

After you’ve made your decision, hold your head high. Only you can answer for you.

How Do You Balance Time with Friends, Family and Dating?

It is always healthy to have many healthy relationships in your life. You never want to focus solely on your dating relationship. But what if your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t quite understand your desire to spend time with others?

Sarah asked: I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year, and I know I love him but at times he just doesn’t seem to understand that I want time for friends and family.

It is a struggle to find a balance between time with the person you love and the other important people in your life. Hopefully, you’ve tried to explain to your boyfriend the importance of having many friends. Your boyfriend needs to understand that it’s easy to suffocate a relationship by demanding the other person always be there just for you. Remember love is not selfish or demanding.

That being said, here are some questions you may want to ask yourself about this issue.

Include Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend in Your Other Relationships

Have you included him in some of these other relationships? Do you ever invite him along when you spend time with family or friends? Or do you want to keep him separate from your interactions with friends and family?

If you aren’t including him, he might feel like you’re embarrassed or ashamed of your relationship. There’s also a possibility that he doesn’t truly know how you feel about him, and he’s trying to get clues from you, based on how you spend your time. If you do generally include him, but just need some “girl” time, he should respect that.

Be Honest with Yourself

Or perhaps you actually don’t want him to be involved in these other relationships. If that’s the case, you need to ask yourself why that is.  If you are seeking to know your boyfriend more fully, and possibly moving toward a much deeper relationship, your friends and family will play an important role in helping you see more clearly if he’s the right guy for you.

But don’t string him along. If you want to keep your relationship with him private, I’d tell him, and explain to him why you feel the way you do. He deserves to know at least that much. Just remember, whoever you choose to spend your life with, you will always face the challenge of giving each other the kind of time, together and apart, each partner needs and deserves.

Conclusion

As you start to develop relationships with the opposite sex, issues will undoubtedly come up. But don’t lose heart, all relationships require a bit of effort and it’s well worth it. Honesty and open communication will go a long way.

And most importantly always remember that a boyfriend or girlfriend will not define you or give you your worth. You are valuable just as you are. A loved child of God.

Friendships are one of life's greatest joys, but what if you find yourself falling in love with your best friend? Here's what you should do.

How to Deal with Family Pressure Between Siblings

Having siblings can bring so much joy and fun to your life. Many siblings grow very close as they grow older and learn how to work through the ups and downs of life together. But sometimes, family pressures can creep into sibling relationships.

Take a look at this message I got recently:

"I love my sister and we rarely fight. But lately I've been frustrated by how my parents seem to see us differently. My sister gets a lot of praise from my parents, and it seems like I either disappoint my parents, or they don't notice the things I do accomplish. Why does it seem like my sibling is always doing better than me? Is there anything I can change to help our relationship, or the relationship with my parents?"

If you can relate to the tension between loving your sibling and wishing your parents were as affirming to you as they were to your brother or sister, I hope these suggestions can help you work through things and gain peace of mind.

Think About Why You Feel Your Sibling is "Better"

When you say or think your sibling "always does better" than you, what does that mean?

• Does it mean your sibling makes better grades, is better at sports or a hobby?
• Does it mean your parents are unkind to you, but that they treat your sibling differently?
• Or perhaps people are always complimenting their personality or appearance, while you don't notice people complimenting you as much? 

Your answer to these questions can point to how to deal with feeling like your sibling is better than you. Sometimes, what your parents' value is different from what you think is important. That can lead to feeling like they don't care about or value your interests as much, if your sibling achieves something they value, or pursues something they have a greater interest in. 
If that's the case, then you're not doing anything wrong, and you can work on changing your perspective, so you don't feel so much pressure to pursue the same things, or have the same strengths, as your sibling. 

Recognize Toxic Behavior for What it Is

Many sibling relationships are very supportive in spite of their differences, and I hope that's the case for you. However, sometimes toxic relationships spring up in our family, and cause the family pressures we feel from day to day. 
I'm truly sorry if you've been harassed by your parents about mistakes, failures, or things you're not as good at as your sibling. And if your sibling has been cruel to you, or your parents are unkind, I'm pained for you. But I hope you are encouraged by these truths:

• Their toxic behavior is not your fault. It is a reflection of what is missing from their life, not yours.
• There are many friendships and family relationships that are healthy and happy. You are not obligated to confide in people who mistreat you, no matter what their relationship to you is. 
• If you've been harmed by a parent or sibling relationship, focus your time and energy on friendships and family relationships that are more nourishing and affirming to you.

Find and Focus on Your Strengths

It may be that your sibling's strengths seem more prominent to you, but you likely have strengths that they don't have. It can be gratifying to release the pressure of perfectionism (which no one can achieve anyway!) to focus on what you already enjoy and are good at. If you think that would make you feel happy and more fulfilled, try exploring those interests and sharing them with others.

Maybe you're good at playing music, while your sibling is good at sports, You can spend time playing and performing music for your family. Or, if you don't feel your family is as supportive as you'd like them to be, you can share video and audio clips with friends and family who are supportive of your pursuits.

If you don't know what your strengths are, it makes sense that you would feel the tension between you and your sibling, if their strengths are more at the forefront. 

Do you need help knowing what your strengths are? You can ask a trusted friend, family member, or mentor who knows you well. You can take a personality assessment or strengths-finder test. There are lots of ways to search for your strengths and trying new things can be a fun way to shift your mind away from the pressure to be perfect and help you focus on having fun and enjoying life.

Think About Your Purpose

As you explore your strengths, it might get you thinking about bigger questions:

• What is my purpose? 
• Why am I interested in what I'm pursuing?
• How do I see myself growing and changing over time?
• Where do I hope to be 5 years from now? 

Thinking about your purpose can be exciting, especially when you think about how you were created with a unique purpose that only you can fulfill in the world. If it helps to think about God, I hope you remember He loves you and has great hopes and plans for your life. Your life can be full of joy, hope, and potential, and the struggles and tensions you're facing won't last forever.

Help Others When You Can 

Helping others and encouraging friends is a great way to step back from family pressures and look outward. What are some ways you can give back to others that are unique to your interests?

• Love animals? You can volunteer at a shelter or your local humane association.
• Good writer? Send a letter to a friend, or a card to someone in the hospital.
• Good cook? Share a meal you made with someone who is overwhelmed or not feeling well.

If you don't feel comfortable talking to family yet, you can talk to a HopeCoach here at TheHopeLine. They're trained to offer mentoring and advice about things like sibling rivalry, tough family relationships, and the pressure to be perfect. They can help you get to the bottom of your feelings, and start working toward a healthier, kinder view of yourself and your accomplishments. Talk to a HopeCoach today about the family pressures you feel. We're here to help and ready to listen.
Serving others is a hopeful, joyful way to live according to your strengths and your purpose. And the sense of satisfaction you get from acts of service can help you feel more confident and at peace in your relationships with your family and your siblings. 

Talk Through It

Talking through relationships can often help us work through tension if we feel like the relationship is otherwise happy and supportive. For example, you could tell your sibling, "Sometimes I feel like mom and dad make a bigger deal out of things you accomplish. Does it seem that way to you, or am I missing something?" 

Or you could let your parents know you need support by saying something like "Hey, mom and dad. I've been feeling like you focus on my brother/sister's achievements more. Can we talk more about my interests? I could really use some encouragement right now." Sometimes just putting words to your feelings and your need for support can make a big difference. 

Have you struggled with self-hatred? Have you ever asked, "How can I learn to love myself?". Here are some ways to start loving yourself.